Pick o' the Day: Vampire Baby! Part The Last!

Post-It Note from Geeves, Head Butler of Paradise House, Attached to Breakfast-in-Bed Tray (with accompanying photograph)
18 May, 2009
Sire,
     The staff has been worried for quite some time now.  We all decided to hire a photographer to come and take a portrait of dearest Helena to lift your spirits.  We hope you start feeling better soon.
Geeves  

Blaine Paradise's Journal
20 May, 2009, 3:00 a.m.     Another sleepless night!  This makes it the fifth night in a row I have lain in my bed, eyes wide open, unable to catch a single wink (let alone forty!).  This is even worse than the 3-day bout with insomnia I had some years ago after greedily gorging on a luscious, sugar-filled apple crisp baked by my dear sister Vonda, bless her heart.   Well, that settles it!  I am absolutely convinced I have become a vampire!  My dear niece Vitoria warned that this might happen to me, and I am quite sure she is right.  But she has also informed me that this is a condition from which I can be cured simply by passing it on to another unfortunate soul, much like the hot potato game I used to play with my siblings and cousins when I was but a wee lad.  But who will be my unfortunate victim?

20 May, 8:30 a.m.     It was the harsh growling of a Briggs and Stratton that broke my chain of thought as I paced in circles within my velvet-draped bedchamber.  I went to the window and drew back the curtain.  There below me, pushing a mower around my luscious St. Augustine lawn, was my groundskeeper, Eleazar.  He has been in my employ for going on 6 years now, but I rarely speak to him, as he is usually dirty and smelly, and I have seldom given him anything more than an occasional nod as I inspect the grounds.  It is rumored that he lives alone with his two dogs in a tool shack behind the stable, where he dabbles in grass hybridization, bread baking, and beef brisket smoking during his off-hours.  I realized then that he might make the perfect recipient of the gift I so very much long to give away.  Tonight will be the night!

20 May, 11:30 p.m.     My plan is in place, and I am ready to embark on my fiendish errand!  I am in luck that a full moon has risen in the eastern sky, making it easier for me to see as I make my stealthy way to my unsuspecting victim!  The night air is a tad chilly, so I must remember to take my black cape, cane, and top hat, lest I catch my death of cold!  To the tool shack I go!

21 May, 6:00 a.m.     Alas, my brilliant plan has gone awry!  Oh, that I could have foreseen such a horrible turn of events!  My hand is still shaking, but I will write down all that happened after I left the house last night so that the reader of this journal will know the truth should I meet violent misfortune in the near future!
     After I left Paradise House, I made my way down the lane to the stable.  When I turned the corner, I espied the rustic tool shack just ahead, with the faint, greenish glow generated by a computer monitor emanating from its only window.  Quietly as an alley cat I advanced to the window and peered in.  There he was!  My hapless victim!  He had his back to me, with a black and tan dachshund curled up on his lap and a golden lab sleeping at his feet, and he appeared to be typing furiously on a keyboard.  And I could hear him giggling like a lunatic as he posted doctored-up photographs on his Facebook wall for all to see.
     My eyes drifted from his computer screen to the back of his neck, where I assumed I would have to bite him, and it was then that I noticed how grossly hairy his neck actually was!  YUCK!  It must have been months since he had received a haircut from his sister Natalie (a well-known hair stylist in Austin, Texas.  Mention this story and receive a 10% discount!)  Rumor has it that the smell of his hot, sweaty scalp has caused her to gag more than once!  I then noticed that his ears were hairy as well, with the bristle-brush hairs growing from them adding a pointed, elf-life appearance to his overall mien.  Even the back of his arms were covered with thick dog-like hair, and his filthy, grease-stained t-shirt appeared to be ripped in many places.  Just then, an antique German Cuckoo Clock, located on the wall above the rakes and weed-eaters, struck twelve, and I watched in horror as he turned his head to look at it!
     Now let me pause a moment to say that I have seen him on more than one occasion with an unshaven face, looking as if he has an aversion to razors and shaving cream, but this was ridiculous!  His face was that of an abnormally grotesque wolf!  The kind that gets kicked out of the pack for being so appallingly ugly!  I must have let out a loud gasp, and he turned around and saw me gaping in the window!  Immediately he let out a long and hideous howl that startled more than just beeswax from me this time, if you know what I mean!  And then the realization hit me... he was on Team Jacob!  TEAM JACOB!!!!!  Oh, no!
     I turned and started running, and I could hear the beast breaking through the window as he (and his two devil-dogs) began the chase!  The ground was literally shaking, and I could feel the hot breath of the furious monster on the back of my neck as I ran like a bat outta hell!  (Wait a minute, that's another story!)  Anyway, I knew I would not be able to outrun a pack of dogs, so I headed for the nearest pecan tree and made an incredible leap into the lowest branch.  I then scrambled up as high as I could go.  The three foul-smelling beasties (werewolf, dachshund, and lab) busied  themselves leaping and baying at me until they were absolutely exhausted.  Then they took turns sniffing the base of the tree and peeing over where the others had previously peed (I think that's another story, too).  Finally, they got bored and went home.  I jumped out of the tree and dashed back to my humble abode just as the sun began to rise.  And now I am writing this final journal entry, bringing to a close this entirely ridiculous and made-up shaggy-dog story because I cannot think of anything else to write to prolong it!  And so, I wish you Good Day!  

Cast of Characters

Blaine Paradise, played by Himself

Helena Paradise, played by Herself
Helena's mother, played by Tina

 Vitoria Bella Cullen Dante, played by Vitoria Belle Dante

 Eleazar, the groundskeeper, played by Eleazar Paradise

 Devil Dogs, played by PJ and Bubba

 English Maid, played by some weirdo we found in downtown Austin
who was willing to play the part

                  

Credits

All Photography by Eleazar Paradise Photography (eleazarparadise.com)

Special Thanks To:

Vitoria Belle Dante, for helping to write Part II

Helena, for being a really spooky baby vampire

Tina, for being a wonderful mommy for Helena

Natalie, for her love, inspiration and haircuts
Eleazar, for his great photos

and most of all

Teresa, for cooking great Mexican meals and being a fantastic kisser!

BONUS PHOTO GALLERY