Pick o' the Day: The 6 Scariest Creatures Lurking in Austin

     When we think of all the possible reasons a person should be absolutely horrified about living in urban areas like Austin, mental pictures of serial killers, maniacal-drugged-up-face-eating zombies, miles-long traffic jams, and five-dollar cups of coffee come easily to mind.  But as it turns out, these are the least of our worries.  It's the things we aren't thinking about, or that we might not even know about, that can really hurt us because they simply aren't on our defensive radar screens, making us extremely vulnerable to attack each time we dare to step out our front doors.

     So in the interest of public safety, and to give each and every one of you city-dwellers a fightin' chance to survive another day, I have compiled this list of the six scariest creatures (you probably didn't know about) that lurk in the trees, the backyards, the streets, and the alleys of Austin, and heck, maybe even on your very doorsteps.  For this reason, I'm sure glad I live in the country!


#6.  Urban Possums

Much larger and more ferocious than its country cousin.


Generally much larger and more ferocious than its country cousin, the Austin possum is usually not seen unless it has been run over on the street right outside your house.  Otherwise, this outrageously opportunistic omnivore roams the neighborhood each night with impunity, having its way with every unsecured trashcan it can get its filthy little mitts on.  It takes advantage of the fact that there are so few street lights in this city to move its incredibly ugly, mutant rat-like body around freely, unimpeded, and virtually unchallenged.  Though not normally considered a predator of human beings, it has been known to have excitingly vicious and violent run-ins with the occasional tipsy bar patron stumbling back to his overpriced condo after a long night of raucous revelry.



#5.  Thigh Spiders

They are especially attracted to the thighs of min-skirt-wearing women.


Also known as Mexican Bloodleg Tarantulas (for their tendancy to take huge, bloody bites out of the upper legs of their unsuspecting victims), the population of these horrifying arachnids has exploded in recent years along with the ever-growing numbers of visitors to 6th Street bars and nightclubs.  Attracted to bare legs, they have been known to attack males, but the vast majority of recorded attacks have been to the smooth thighs of young, mini-skirt-wearing women in high heels walking after dark between Congress and Red River.



#4.  Neck Rats




A neck rat sufferer.


A peculiar breed of rodent indiginous to the eastern slopes of the Texas Hill Country, the common neck rat has plagued the SoCo area for the last twenty years, particularly during times of severe drought.  It prefers to live in the neck and shoulder areas of t-shirt wearers, subsisting on the lapped-up sweat of its usually oblivious host, making it more of a summertime pest.  Tell-tale signs of neck rat infestation include mysterious red marks on the neck, itchiness, and the vague feeling that something is crawling on you. 


#3.  Doorbell Snakes

Ding-dong!


This insidious creature (also known as the Avon viper) is a real nuisance for the residents of Austin, especially in the Travis Heights area (though it has been reported in every other part of town as well).  It apparently detests hot, humid weather and is attracted to the cool air-conditioned comfort of human habitats.  To gain entrance, this species of venomous snake will actually ring the doorbell, wait for someone to open the front door, and then fling itself on the unsuspecting resident and wrap itself around her neck!  It then drops to the floor and slinks off to the living room, where it lives happily under the sofa, usually for many, many years.   



#2.  Kamikaze Squirrels

Banzai!


A relatively new, yet nonetheless horrific, furred quadruped that has invaded Central Texas is not native to the area.  The Kamikaze squirrel is a Japanese import, rumored to have smuggled itself into town in a case of Suntori beer that was opened at the World Market on Research Blvd back  in  2008.  Though it is normally spotted scampering around in the trees of the city parks collecting nuts, it has a disturbing tendancy, when it feels threatened by the mere presence of humans, to leap with an ear-piercing, shrieking scream out of the treetops and onto the tops of the heads of young mothers and their little children.   



#1.  Hipsters



A particularly annoying one.


By far the worst creature to plague the city of Austin is known by locals as the "hipster" (scientific name Hipsterus Nerdius).  Usually spotted from the downtown area south to Ben White Blvd., this animal is actually more of a serious annoyance rather than a danger to passers-by.  In addition to Home Slice Pizza and Pabst Blue Ribbon, they seem to subsist, and thrive, on attention, though their actions project a strong sense of alienation from most established social activities and relationships.  Since they apparently will not go away, the best thing you can do is simply to ignore them as you go about your business.

Being aware of your surroundings, knowing the inherent dangers, and above all, maintaining a sense of calm when your brain tells you to panic, are three actions that will most assuredly help you in your quest to  survive Austin's urban environment.  Courage, my friend!