Pick o' the Day: The 6 Scariest Creatures Lurking in Austin

     When we think of all the possible reasons a person should be absolutely horrified about living in urban areas like Austin, mental pictures of serial killers, maniacal-drugged-up-face-eating zombies, miles-long traffic jams, and five-dollar cups of coffee come easily to mind.  But as it turns out, these are the least of our worries.  It's the things we aren't thinking about, or that we might not even know about, that can really hurt us because they simply aren't on our defensive radar screens, making us extremely vulnerable to attack each time we dare to step out our front doors.

     So in the interest of public safety, and to give each and every one of you city-dwellers a fightin' chance to survive another day, I have compiled this list of the six scariest creatures (you probably didn't know about) that lurk in the trees, the backyards, the streets, and the alleys of Austin, and heck, maybe even on your very doorsteps.  For this reason, I'm sure glad I live in the country!


#6.  Urban Possums

Much larger and more ferocious than its country cousin.


Generally much larger and more ferocious than its country cousin, the Austin possum is usually not seen unless it has been run over on the street right outside your house.  Otherwise, this outrageously opportunistic omnivore roams the neighborhood each night with impunity, having its way with every unsecured trashcan it can get its filthy little mitts on.  It takes advantage of the fact that there are so few street lights in this city to move its incredibly ugly, mutant rat-like body around freely, unimpeded, and virtually unchallenged.  Though not normally considered a predator of human beings, it has been known to have excitingly vicious and violent run-ins with the occasional tipsy bar patron stumbling back to his overpriced condo after a long night of raucous revelry.



#5.  Thigh Spiders

They are especially attracted to the thighs of min-skirt-wearing women.


Also known as Mexican Bloodleg Tarantulas (for their tendancy to take huge, bloody bites out of the upper legs of their unsuspecting victims), the population of these horrifying arachnids has exploded in recent years along with the ever-growing numbers of visitors to 6th Street bars and nightclubs.  Attracted to bare legs, they have been known to attack males, but the vast majority of recorded attacks have been to the smooth thighs of young, mini-skirt-wearing women in high heels walking after dark between Congress and Red River.



#4.  Neck Rats




A neck rat sufferer.


A peculiar breed of rodent indiginous to the eastern slopes of the Texas Hill Country, the common neck rat has plagued the SoCo area for the last twenty years, particularly during times of severe drought.  It prefers to live in the neck and shoulder areas of t-shirt wearers, subsisting on the lapped-up sweat of its usually oblivious host, making it more of a summertime pest.  Tell-tale signs of neck rat infestation include mysterious red marks on the neck, itchiness, and the vague feeling that something is crawling on you. 


#3.  Doorbell Snakes

Ding-dong!


This insidious creature (also known as the Avon viper) is a real nuisance for the residents of Austin, especially in the Travis Heights area (though it has been reported in every other part of town as well).  It apparently detests hot, humid weather and is attracted to the cool air-conditioned comfort of human habitats.  To gain entrance, this species of venomous snake will actually ring the doorbell, wait for someone to open the front door, and then fling itself on the unsuspecting resident and wrap itself around her neck!  It then drops to the floor and slinks off to the living room, where it lives happily under the sofa, usually for many, many years.   



#2.  Kamikaze Squirrels

Banzai!


A relatively new, yet nonetheless horrific, furred quadruped that has invaded Central Texas is not native to the area.  The Kamikaze squirrel is a Japanese import, rumored to have smuggled itself into town in a case of Suntori beer that was opened at the World Market on Research Blvd back  in  2008.  Though it is normally spotted scampering around in the trees of the city parks collecting nuts, it has a disturbing tendancy, when it feels threatened by the mere presence of humans, to leap with an ear-piercing, shrieking scream out of the treetops and onto the tops of the heads of young mothers and their little children.   



#1.  Hipsters



A particularly annoying one.


By far the worst creature to plague the city of Austin is known by locals as the "hipster" (scientific name Hipsterus Nerdius).  Usually spotted from the downtown area south to Ben White Blvd., this animal is actually more of a serious annoyance rather than a danger to passers-by.  In addition to Home Slice Pizza and Pabst Blue Ribbon, they seem to subsist, and thrive, on attention, though their actions project a strong sense of alienation from most established social activities and relationships.  Since they apparently will not go away, the best thing you can do is simply to ignore them as you go about your business.

Being aware of your surroundings, knowing the inherent dangers, and above all, maintaining a sense of calm when your brain tells you to panic, are three actions that will most assuredly help you in your quest to  survive Austin's urban environment.  Courage, my friend!            

Pick o' the Day: The Nicest Restaurant Critic in the World

(Editor's note:  This post was inspired by a real column I read in the Port Aransas South Jetty written by Lisa Shelton.  Enjoy it yourself by going to www.portasouthjetty.com/news/2012-06-28/Opinion/DINING_OUT.html )

     Going to McDonald's Restaurant is an easy drive west from Manor... 6.5 miles straight down Highway 290 through the light on Springdale Road and on the right.  You can't miss its attractive, neon-lit "Golden Arches" sign that evokes the image of two delectible french fries being playfully pushed together by the hands of a delightfully chubby toddler enjoying his umpteenth Happy Meal!

And under its tastfully-designed red double-mansard roof, one can see a fantastic childrens' playspace that looks to be so much fun that, were it not for the fact that I am about 200 pounds over the posted weight limit, I, too, would be happy to frolic along with the hordes of joyful children who regularly enjoy playing in it.

     Upon entering the eatery, one notices with pleasure the minimalist hard-plastic tables and chairs that are bolted in place on the floor.  Though no-nothing cynics might suggest they are meant to discourage loiterers from dilly-dallying, thereby allowing room for the next hurried customer, it would be far more logical to believe that the food offerings of this fine establishment are so incredible that to linger long would be grossly unfair to the rest of the hungry citizens of the city who clamor for its fit-for-a-king fare.

     I was offered my choice of what seemed like a million deliciously thirst-quenching beverages offered for the benefit of their summer-parched customers.  I chose a tall to-go cup of unsweetened tea (as you know, I am watching my weight), filled with lots and lots of pleasingly cold and crunchy ice, and it was breathtakingly wonderful in the extraordinary level of its unsweetenedness!  Other amazingly gratifying drink offerings include Coke, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, Sprite, Hi-C, POWERade, Minute Maid Lemonade, and, well, the list goes on and on!  So refreshing!

          I was served a veritable smorgasbord of appetizingly fried foods.  At first glance, I was worried that, since they were all cooked in the same hot grease or on the same grill, they would all end up tasting the same.  But boy, was I wrong!  I first tried a fancy European-sounding dish they called the "Filet-O-Fish" sandwich, which turned out to be a mouthwatering whitefish fillet with a whole half-slice of cheese on a steamed bun.  It was served with a yummy tartar sauce that had just the right mix of creaminess and pickleness.  The well-seasoned fish tasted incredibly fresh, almost as if it had just been yanked out of the drainage pond out back and skillfully prepared by the loving hands of a gourmet chef!

     I moved on to what many might consider the star of the McDonalds's menu-- a ginormous, double-hamburger-pattied heavenly gift to Earth they humbly call the "Big Mac".  The list of its flavorful ingredients, if it were to be read aloud, would no doubt sound like poetry to the ears of the famished populace, and it would also make great lyrics for a catchy song (hey, song-writers of the world, I give that idea to you free of charge)!

     The "Chicken McNuggets" were next on my taste bud adventure!  Another win!  These rich and savory little beauties were perfectly seasoned and expertly cooked to a fine and agreeable crunchiness, and were made even more scrumptious when dipped in any of a large selection of piquant sauces.  Best of all, I was pleased to discover that I help make the world a better place by eating these tasty bites, since they are made from mechanically-separated chicken meat that might otherwise go to waste (picture below).

        

     A new taste adventure for me was what they referred to as a "Premium Salad".  I don't usually waste my hard-earned eating-out-at-a-restaurant dollars by ordering so-called "healthy" items from a menu (I have a personal policy of not eating anything that originates in the dirt), but this salad turned out to be an ambrosial concoction of crunchy iceberg lettuce and other green things covered with a more-than-generous amount of cherry tomatoes.  I was stunned when I heard one could make it even better by topping it off with a large dollop of Chicken McNuggets for just a nominal extra charge!  Well, when you factor in the customer's ability to order extra dressing, that makes it a must-have in my book!

     I would have to say the McLobster (usually available only in New England) was the highlight of my visit to this utterly charming restaurant.  Imagine eating a huge sandwich stuffed with succulent yellow lobster meat that is perfectly seasoned and cooked just right!  The meat was moist and dripping with flavor and prepared perfectly.  I thought I had died and gone to heaven!

     To my delight was the dessert selection!  From a divine soft-serve ice cream that I would swear was hand-churned, to the most fantabulously tasty home-made-like cookies I have ever had, I found it extremely difficult to decide which one of the numerous sweet offerings was my favorite.  I finally decided that the Baked Apple Pie topped them all!  The perfectly baked, cinnamon-and-sugar-sprinkled joy was simply luscious, and I had eaten at least three of them before I finally had to stop.  I tell you, that taste brought tears to my eyes!

   

     As I struggled to make my way to the door, I actually didn't feel very well.  I think it was my body's way of telling me that it was sad that we had to leave this magnificent place of fine dining.  I am now thoroughly convinced that one visit to McDonald's, and you'll be a customer for life!

     

Pick o' the Day: Dear Pickin' Blaine's Brain

Editor's note:  From time to time, Blaine will answer questions of general interest submitted by loyal readers.  No question will be considered too hard for him to answer.  Don't believe it?  Try to stump him!  Send your questions by email to blaineparadise@gmail.com or as a comment at the end of one of his blog posts.

Dear Pickin' Blaine's Brain,
     How do you get spaghetti stains out of underwear?  I have gotten spaghetti stains in my white cotton underwear.
(signed) Zar

Dear Zar,
     You know, they say you can tell a lot about a feller's general level of intelligence by the type of questions he asks, and I'll have to be honest with you-- this is one of the better questions I've received lately.  What you are askin' me is a question that has pretty much perplexed mankind since the invention of spaghetti and that drippy red sauce that goes along with it.  Now, I'll have to admit that dolin' out laundry tips ain't really what I normally do on account of it's the littly lady here at the ranch who does everyone's (me and the hired hands) clothes out on the back porch every Monday (usin' the fancy wash machine I spoiled her with on her 17th birthday back in '53).  So I can't really speak to your question other than relate to you the general information I got by researchin' the back of the Biz box.  But I'll go you one better, and that is by tellin' you how to prevent findin' yourself in this same predicament again in the future.  Now, you know I'm pretty savvy about a lot of things, but it don't take no Einstein to figure this out.  Basically, you got to stop eating spaghetti in your underwear, seein' as how you're just askin' for trouble if you do.  It's best to just go ahead and take off all your clothes before you sit down and eat, and then you don't have to worry about a thing, except for the weird looks your wife might be givin' you, especially if you're havin' company over for dinner.  But it's sure a lot easier later when you're hosin' tomato sauce off your body in the back yard than it is to try to launder it out of any sort of delicate, white fabric like your underwear.  Got it!  Good!  I got time for one more question.

Dear Pickin' Blaine's Brain,
     I need your advice about whether or not I should get married.  You see, I'm in my 20's, I'm a recent college graduate with no school loans to pay off (I was on 100% scholarship), and I have an unusually-high-paying job as a photographer taking pictures of young, scantily-clad female models for a popular men's magazine.  I own my own condo in a high-rise building in downtown Austin, as well as another one that I use seven or eight times a year in Las Vegas.  I own three vehicles: a Lamborghini Countach, a Ford Mustang, and a Humvee that I use to pull my custom-made Ranger bass boat.  I've been told that I am very good-looking, and I've never had any trouble picking-up wild and crazy UT coeds at the many popular nightclubs I frequent down on 6th Street.  Lately, though, I've been feeling like something is missing in my life.  The girls I find myself with just seem to want to do nothing but party and have a good time, with no strings attached.  But something in the back of my mind is telling me that I should find one nice girl to settle down with, someone who will keep me grounded, someone with whom I could spend all my free time, and with whom I could have a bunch of kids.  I don't know, but that just sounds great to me.  What do you think?           
(signed) Hungering for a Meaningful Relationship

Dear Hungerin' for a Meanin'ful Relationship,
     I... I... uhhh....  

Editor's note:  Blaine was apparently unable to finish writing his response to the last question before the deadline.  His wife informs us she last saw him stumbling away from his typewriter with a sick look on his face, heading for the bathroom.