Pick o' the Day: 10 Things I Learned About Heaven From My Four-Year-Old Granddaughter

This is the way people in Heaven smile at you!

1.  People in Heaven don't walk... they skip!

2.  When people in Heaven are coming down the stairs, they don't step off the last step... they hop off!

3.  When people in Heaven take a bite of their Honey-Seared Chicken over rice, they immediately start to dance in their seats!

4.  People in Heaven love to cuddle their Nana while sharing a bowl of freshly-popped pocorn and watching scary movies like "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein."

5.  People in Heaven don't need to know all the words of a song in order to sing it. They just make them up and keep right on singing.

6.  People in Heaven make going to the grocery store a lot more fun by always allowing themselves to buy one special item that makes them happy.

7.  When people in Heaven see other people they don't know, they say, "Look! Friends!"

8.  People in Heaven always let their Grandpa know he's pretty darn important in their life by hugging him and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

9.  The #1 all-time favorite hit song of all the people in Heaven is "Jesus Loves Me."

10.  People in Heaven all know that some of the most important things they could ever learn are taught to them by little children.

BONUS VIDEO !

     There is one more thing I learned from my granddaughter this Christmas season:  If you are going to wish someone a "Merry Christmas," then you should do it from the bottom of your heart!  Just like this!



[Double-click on the video for full-screen]

Pick o' the Day: The Top 10 Reasons Why I've Had To Get Serious About Losing Weight

10.  Had a bit of a start a while back. I saw my own shadow, and for a moment I thought the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock was stalking me.

9.  I'm getting a little tired of kids accidently running into my stomach as I stand outside my classroom door doing hall duty.

8.  I want to get that "chisled mountain man" look back so my brother will stop calling me a "round-headed flatlander".

7.  I hate it when I'm mistaken for an escaped polar bear.

6.  I think my stomach ate my butt.

5.  My pants have filed a lawsuit against me.  They're claiming "elastic abuse".

4. I'm pretty sure belt buckles are supposed to fit snugly to one's body in a vertical position, not horizontal.

3.  Suspenders. I've come to understand why some men have to wear them. I'm not saying I would have actually started wearing them. It's just that I... understand.

2.  I have to be there for all of my grandkids.

1.  I want to be able to wear my wedding ring again.

Pick o' the Day: My Incredible Encounter With Colorado Wildlife!

     On my final day in Colorado last month, I had an absolutely unbelievable encounter with a magnificent buck (a male deer for you city-folk) in my sister Vonda's backyard, and luckily I had my video camera with me to film it.  It was such a weird and unexpected brush with nature that I'm convinced no one would believe me if I hadn't gotten this incredible footage.  And as I think about it now, I realize it was one of those "once in a lifetime" interactions with wildlife that one could only dream of having, and I'm still shaking my head in disbelief that it actually happened.  But it did!  Enjoy!

[Double-click on the video for full-screen]



Credits

Blaine Paradise     as     Blaine Paradise

Tom Ledbetter      as     The Deer
Joe Paradise     as     Tom Ledbetter

The State of Colorado     as     Herself

 

Pick o' the Day: A Romantic and Touching Moment Part II

     Shortly after he sang "Roses" to his sweetheart (see last week's post), Vaughn found himself dancing with Lorna to the song "Through the Years" as everyone else formed a circle around them and joined in singing the chorus. And when the song was finished, everyone converged for a massive group hug! Then the dance floor opened up for all the loving couples to dance to "Forever's As Far As I'll Go. 

[Double-click on the video for full-screen]

 

     I'm sorry that the video stopped before the end of the second song, but I think you will agree with me that Vaughn and Lorna's love for each other was contagious, and it spread to all who were present.

     I want to thank everyone who worked so hard to put this lovely, lovely gathering together and all who came and all who sent their love.  It turned out to be a very special night, indeed.  God has blessed this family beyond imagining, and we are so very grateful for all the gifts like this which He has given to us.



 

Pick o' the Day: Probably the Most Romantic and Touching Moment You Will See This Year

 (First, the story behind the video)

 

 

    Last weekend, all of my brothers and sisters and I were granted by the Lord the great privilege and honor of being with our parents, Vaughn and Lorna Paradise, as they celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary.  A lovely party was put together, complete with decorations, dinner, and dancing, and it was all just as beautiful and sweet as one could have hoped for.  The room was filled with family and friends, and laughter and smiles, and kisses and hugs, and a whole lot of love, to be sure.  But as anyone who has ever been to a Paradise Family gathering knows, there is always the possibility of a surprise that makes the occasion extra-memorable, and we were certainly not to be disappointed this time!
     The great surprise of the night came from our father who, unbeknownst to the rest of us, had quietly planned a humble expression of love to his bride that turned out to be one of the most amazingly romantic and touching moments I have ever witnessed in my entire life.  We had all finished eating and were conversing at our tables, when someone quieted the room to allow Grandpa Vaughn to say a few words.  He rose to his feet as his granddaughter Vitoria brought him a vase of roses.  After cracking a joke about having the right to "embarass his offspring," he suddenly became very serious.  He asked Grandma Lorna to stand, and he told her the roses were for her.  He then cleared his throat and, to the utter astonishment of the gathered onlookers, began singing her an a capella rendition of  the old Jim Reeves song, "Roses."

Roses
I send you roses
With all the love
Their tender blossoming discloses
Just like my arms
They'll open wide
You'll see my heart inside

Please dear
Embrace the roses
Until I come to you
And when the long day closes

Our spark of love
Will burst to flame
And put the red red roses to shame

     Halfway through, he quietly broke down, overcome with emotion.  Grandma Lorna smiled and told him to keep singing.  He then soldiered (or rather, "airmanned") his way through to the end.  Whether or not he sang the song perfectly on key or exactly as written is of no importance.  His message was as clear as a bell... that this beautiful woman was his beloved bride, the great love of his life, and he wanted her to hear this from him in front of all the family members who were present to witness it.  And for those who were unable to be there, this video of that moment is for you.

[Double-click on the video for full-screen]

     It has long been known that the Paradise boys (and girls) are hopeless romantics, and we have always suspected it was due to something in our DNA.  And this just confirmed it.  Thank you, Dad, for doing this for Mom.  I know it took a lot of courage to do, but it showed us just how strong true love can be, even after 60 years of marriage.  And this great love the two of you share truly is an amazing inspiration to us all.

  

Pick o' the Day: Announcing The Paradise and Son 2012 "Consistency" Award Winner

     Good news, folks!  The votes have been counted!  The results are in!  And the winner of the Paradise and Son 2012 "Consistency" Award is ready to be announced!

     But first, some background information concerning this prestigious award.  It was instituted by my son and I in the Year of our Lord 2010 to honor praiseworthy examples of culinary consistency, products for the most part made in America that are consistently excellent and that never, I mean never, let us down. These are delectable creations whose decades of consistency literally put us to shame.  As I said before, I, for one, am impressed with their consistency because I know how hard it is to be consistent in my own life (except for my consistently failing at most things I attempt).  And over the years, Eleazar and I have never been shy about vociferously praising a product that we have recognized to be consistently excellent, especially if it has made our miserable lives just a tad bit better.

     This award is not given out lightly, and it sometimes isn't awarded at all!  (We actually forgot about doing this last year.)  The first recipient was Kraft Miracle Whip, an All-American beauty and "jarful of happiness" that is well-deserving of this great honor for all of the joy she has brought to us for so many years.  And this year's recipient is no less deserving of this fabulous accolade and the accompanying gushing compliments and testamonials.  But before any more is said about our winner, let us announce his name!  Drum roll, please!  The winner of the Paradise and Son 2012 "Consistency" Award is...

Hunt's Manwich!    

This year's proud recipient of the "Consistency" Award 

     When you think about it, it's hard to improve the taste of regular ol' all-American browned hamburger, which needs only a little salt and pepper (with mustard and a couple of dill pickle chips) to make a great loose-meat sandwich.  But way back in 1969, when I was just 11 years old, the geniuses over at Hunt's came up with a richly robust, tomatoey concoction one could mix into browned hamburger to make what they called the "Manwich" (one of the greatest names for a product in all of marketing history).  Their magical advertising slogan was "A sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is a meal", and after seeing their commercial showing happy, hungry men biting into thick sandwiches overflowing with tangy, meaty goodness, well...there was no way someone like me could resist begging his mom to get it for him.  And, unlike that other time when I was about 3 years old and begged my mom to get me some spinach because I was a big Popeye fan, and it looked delicious when he ate it, and we all know what it did for Popeye, I was not shockingly disappointed after taking my first bite.  Rather, I was rocketed straight into sloppy-joe heaven!



"It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!"  Homer Simpson

     Manwich is a prime example of what we around here like to call "happy food" (which is just what it sounds like:  food that makes a person feel happy when he or she is eating it).  It doesn't matter what kind of crappy job a man comes home from at the end of the day -- when he walks in the door and catches a whiff of Manwich on the stove, all his cares and worries fall away, and he is pulled trance-like into the kitchen where he quickly attains gastronomic Nirvana.

Men making a 'manwich' upon receiving news that Manwich is being served for dinner.

     Eleazar Paradise, Vice-President in charge of Operations and Experimental Cooking at Paradise and Son Inc., gives the following testamonial:

     Hunt's brand Manwich Original Sloppy Joe Sauce is a fine example of what a North American feel-good home dinner should taste like.  Manwich, with a name that easily rolls off the tongue, as if one is whispering "ambrosia" or "efflorescence," has been in my pantry for as long as I can remember.  Like an old friend (preferably female) who is quick to provide a much-needed warm embrace, Manwich is consistently tough, bold, and full-bodied while making my stomach warm and satisfied with it's sweet aroma of earthy flavours, exotic spices, and complex undertones.  It is nothing less than a delicious potpourri of flavours in an easy-to-open can, indicating a perfect blend of ingredients in perfect harmony with each other.  The first bite into a Manwich sandwich is an explosion of taste, reminiscent of a reunion of sorts with some other long-lost friend I haven't seen since my last trip into the wetlands of Guacamajorno, New Guinea.  The meal is fine and sloppy, as it should be, and I find that mine isn't complete without a large fork to help me devour every last bit of meaty goodness that might have dribbled off the bread and onto my plate.  As the meal progresses, a small sense of sadness begins to grow in my mind.  I realize that I'm soon approaching the end of this beautiful journey with yet another of my best of friends.  But I know that, in the near future, this dear, dear friend will be back to visit me once more.



The award before it was signed.

     As if it needed any other endorsements, it also turns out our humble award winner is considered by many to be a "superfood"!  According to scientists at ConAgra Foods, there is a full serving of vegetables in every Manwich, meaning every 1/4 cup of this product contains the equivalent of 1/2 cup of vegetables!  I'm no mathmatician, and I don't understand how that makes any sense, but who am I to argue with smart guys like that?  The only real complaint I have, though, is that most grocery stores are unsure as to where to place this wonderful product on their shelves.  In some stores, I find it in the canned vegetables section, in others in the canned meat section (though it contains no meat of its own).  It is always a challenge to find, guaranteed.  The only place I never find it is in the tomato sauce section (go figure).
 

Unfortunately, the award recipient was unable to make it to the ceremony on account of he got et.

 

     And so we would like to end this ceremony by again giving our heartfelt thanks to the good people at Hunts who work tirelessly day in and day out to make a consistently excellent product for the benefit of everyone.  Thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  Thank you.

Pick o' the Day: 9 Surprising Warning Signs You Are (probably*) Going Straight to Hell

* If any of these sound familiar, you had better repent soon.  Then you won't have to go straight to hell.

1.  You agree that old-fashioned clotheslines should be banned from your neighborhood for being "unsightly".

2.  You think toll roads are a good idea for relieving traffic congestion.

3.  You like the idea of speed bumps on public streets.

4.  You complain that the person who is driving the legal speed limit in front of you is "holding up traffic".

5.  You text while driving (or walking, or riding a horse, or sitting in a movie theater, or sitting with another person at a restaurant, or...)

6.  You use a toilet stool in a public restroom instead of a urinal, and you pee all over the seat.  Then you walk away.

7.  You prefer to hire someone from outside rather than promote from within.

8.  You help make rules that other people have to follow but exempt yourself from the same rules.

9.  You don't think it's important to buy candy to distribute to neighborhood kids on Halloween, even though that was your favorite holiday as a child, and most of the adults back then came through for you.


(Editor's note:  This list does not contain all of the signs that indicate a person is going straight to hell.  More are being identified every day.)

Pick o' the Day: The 6 Scariest Creatures Lurking in Austin

     When we think of all the possible reasons a person should be absolutely horrified about living in urban areas like Austin, mental pictures of serial killers, maniacal-drugged-up-face-eating zombies, miles-long traffic jams, and five-dollar cups of coffee come easily to mind.  But as it turns out, these are the least of our worries.  It's the things we aren't thinking about, or that we might not even know about, that can really hurt us because they simply aren't on our defensive radar screens, making us extremely vulnerable to attack each time we dare to step out our front doors.

     So in the interest of public safety, and to give each and every one of you city-dwellers a fightin' chance to survive another day, I have compiled this list of the six scariest creatures (you probably didn't know about) that lurk in the trees, the backyards, the streets, and the alleys of Austin, and heck, maybe even on your very doorsteps.  For this reason, I'm sure glad I live in the country!


#6.  Urban Possums

Much larger and more ferocious than its country cousin.


Generally much larger and more ferocious than its country cousin, the Austin possum is usually not seen unless it has been run over on the street right outside your house.  Otherwise, this outrageously opportunistic omnivore roams the neighborhood each night with impunity, having its way with every unsecured trashcan it can get its filthy little mitts on.  It takes advantage of the fact that there are so few street lights in this city to move its incredibly ugly, mutant rat-like body around freely, unimpeded, and virtually unchallenged.  Though not normally considered a predator of human beings, it has been known to have excitingly vicious and violent run-ins with the occasional tipsy bar patron stumbling back to his overpriced condo after a long night of raucous revelry.



#5.  Thigh Spiders

They are especially attracted to the thighs of min-skirt-wearing women.


Also known as Mexican Bloodleg Tarantulas (for their tendancy to take huge, bloody bites out of the upper legs of their unsuspecting victims), the population of these horrifying arachnids has exploded in recent years along with the ever-growing numbers of visitors to 6th Street bars and nightclubs.  Attracted to bare legs, they have been known to attack males, but the vast majority of recorded attacks have been to the smooth thighs of young, mini-skirt-wearing women in high heels walking after dark between Congress and Red River.



#4.  Neck Rats




A neck rat sufferer.


A peculiar breed of rodent indiginous to the eastern slopes of the Texas Hill Country, the common neck rat has plagued the SoCo area for the last twenty years, particularly during times of severe drought.  It prefers to live in the neck and shoulder areas of t-shirt wearers, subsisting on the lapped-up sweat of its usually oblivious host, making it more of a summertime pest.  Tell-tale signs of neck rat infestation include mysterious red marks on the neck, itchiness, and the vague feeling that something is crawling on you. 


#3.  Doorbell Snakes

Ding-dong!


This insidious creature (also known as the Avon viper) is a real nuisance for the residents of Austin, especially in the Travis Heights area (though it has been reported in every other part of town as well).  It apparently detests hot, humid weather and is attracted to the cool air-conditioned comfort of human habitats.  To gain entrance, this species of venomous snake will actually ring the doorbell, wait for someone to open the front door, and then fling itself on the unsuspecting resident and wrap itself around her neck!  It then drops to the floor and slinks off to the living room, where it lives happily under the sofa, usually for many, many years.   



#2.  Kamikaze Squirrels

Banzai!


A relatively new, yet nonetheless horrific, furred quadruped that has invaded Central Texas is not native to the area.  The Kamikaze squirrel is a Japanese import, rumored to have smuggled itself into town in a case of Suntori beer that was opened at the World Market on Research Blvd back  in  2008.  Though it is normally spotted scampering around in the trees of the city parks collecting nuts, it has a disturbing tendancy, when it feels threatened by the mere presence of humans, to leap with an ear-piercing, shrieking scream out of the treetops and onto the tops of the heads of young mothers and their little children.   



#1.  Hipsters



A particularly annoying one.


By far the worst creature to plague the city of Austin is known by locals as the "hipster" (scientific name Hipsterus Nerdius).  Usually spotted from the downtown area south to Ben White Blvd., this animal is actually more of a serious annoyance rather than a danger to passers-by.  In addition to Home Slice Pizza and Pabst Blue Ribbon, they seem to subsist, and thrive, on attention, though their actions project a strong sense of alienation from most established social activities and relationships.  Since they apparently will not go away, the best thing you can do is simply to ignore them as you go about your business.

Being aware of your surroundings, knowing the inherent dangers, and above all, maintaining a sense of calm when your brain tells you to panic, are three actions that will most assuredly help you in your quest to  survive Austin's urban environment.  Courage, my friend!            

Pick o' the Day: The Nicest Restaurant Critic in the World

(Editor's note:  This post was inspired by a real column I read in the Port Aransas South Jetty written by Lisa Shelton.  Enjoy it yourself by going to www.portasouthjetty.com/news/2012-06-28/Opinion/DINING_OUT.html )

     Going to McDonald's Restaurant is an easy drive west from Manor... 6.5 miles straight down Highway 290 through the light on Springdale Road and on the right.  You can't miss its attractive, neon-lit "Golden Arches" sign that evokes the image of two delectible french fries being playfully pushed together by the hands of a delightfully chubby toddler enjoying his umpteenth Happy Meal!

And under its tastfully-designed red double-mansard roof, one can see a fantastic childrens' playspace that looks to be so much fun that, were it not for the fact that I am about 200 pounds over the posted weight limit, I, too, would be happy to frolic along with the hordes of joyful children who regularly enjoy playing in it.

     Upon entering the eatery, one notices with pleasure the minimalist hard-plastic tables and chairs that are bolted in place on the floor.  Though no-nothing cynics might suggest they are meant to discourage loiterers from dilly-dallying, thereby allowing room for the next hurried customer, it would be far more logical to believe that the food offerings of this fine establishment are so incredible that to linger long would be grossly unfair to the rest of the hungry citizens of the city who clamor for its fit-for-a-king fare.

     I was offered my choice of what seemed like a million deliciously thirst-quenching beverages offered for the benefit of their summer-parched customers.  I chose a tall to-go cup of unsweetened tea (as you know, I am watching my weight), filled with lots and lots of pleasingly cold and crunchy ice, and it was breathtakingly wonderful in the extraordinary level of its unsweetenedness!  Other amazingly gratifying drink offerings include Coke, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, Sprite, Hi-C, POWERade, Minute Maid Lemonade, and, well, the list goes on and on!  So refreshing!

          I was served a veritable smorgasbord of appetizingly fried foods.  At first glance, I was worried that, since they were all cooked in the same hot grease or on the same grill, they would all end up tasting the same.  But boy, was I wrong!  I first tried a fancy European-sounding dish they called the "Filet-O-Fish" sandwich, which turned out to be a mouthwatering whitefish fillet with a whole half-slice of cheese on a steamed bun.  It was served with a yummy tartar sauce that had just the right mix of creaminess and pickleness.  The well-seasoned fish tasted incredibly fresh, almost as if it had just been yanked out of the drainage pond out back and skillfully prepared by the loving hands of a gourmet chef!

     I moved on to what many might consider the star of the McDonalds's menu-- a ginormous, double-hamburger-pattied heavenly gift to Earth they humbly call the "Big Mac".  The list of its flavorful ingredients, if it were to be read aloud, would no doubt sound like poetry to the ears of the famished populace, and it would also make great lyrics for a catchy song (hey, song-writers of the world, I give that idea to you free of charge)!

     The "Chicken McNuggets" were next on my taste bud adventure!  Another win!  These rich and savory little beauties were perfectly seasoned and expertly cooked to a fine and agreeable crunchiness, and were made even more scrumptious when dipped in any of a large selection of piquant sauces.  Best of all, I was pleased to discover that I help make the world a better place by eating these tasty bites, since they are made from mechanically-separated chicken meat that might otherwise go to waste (picture below).

        

     A new taste adventure for me was what they referred to as a "Premium Salad".  I don't usually waste my hard-earned eating-out-at-a-restaurant dollars by ordering so-called "healthy" items from a menu (I have a personal policy of not eating anything that originates in the dirt), but this salad turned out to be an ambrosial concoction of crunchy iceberg lettuce and other green things covered with a more-than-generous amount of cherry tomatoes.  I was stunned when I heard one could make it even better by topping it off with a large dollop of Chicken McNuggets for just a nominal extra charge!  Well, when you factor in the customer's ability to order extra dressing, that makes it a must-have in my book!

     I would have to say the McLobster (usually available only in New England) was the highlight of my visit to this utterly charming restaurant.  Imagine eating a huge sandwich stuffed with succulent yellow lobster meat that is perfectly seasoned and cooked just right!  The meat was moist and dripping with flavor and prepared perfectly.  I thought I had died and gone to heaven!

     To my delight was the dessert selection!  From a divine soft-serve ice cream that I would swear was hand-churned, to the most fantabulously tasty home-made-like cookies I have ever had, I found it extremely difficult to decide which one of the numerous sweet offerings was my favorite.  I finally decided that the Baked Apple Pie topped them all!  The perfectly baked, cinnamon-and-sugar-sprinkled joy was simply luscious, and I had eaten at least three of them before I finally had to stop.  I tell you, that taste brought tears to my eyes!

   

     As I struggled to make my way to the door, I actually didn't feel very well.  I think it was my body's way of telling me that it was sad that we had to leave this magnificent place of fine dining.  I am now thoroughly convinced that one visit to McDonald's, and you'll be a customer for life!

     

Pick o' the Day: Dear Pickin' Blaine's Brain

Editor's note:  From time to time, Blaine will answer questions of general interest submitted by loyal readers.  No question will be considered too hard for him to answer.  Don't believe it?  Try to stump him!  Send your questions by email to blaineparadise@gmail.com or as a comment at the end of one of his blog posts.

Dear Pickin' Blaine's Brain,
     How do you get spaghetti stains out of underwear?  I have gotten spaghetti stains in my white cotton underwear.
(signed) Zar

Dear Zar,
     You know, they say you can tell a lot about a feller's general level of intelligence by the type of questions he asks, and I'll have to be honest with you-- this is one of the better questions I've received lately.  What you are askin' me is a question that has pretty much perplexed mankind since the invention of spaghetti and that drippy red sauce that goes along with it.  Now, I'll have to admit that dolin' out laundry tips ain't really what I normally do on account of it's the littly lady here at the ranch who does everyone's (me and the hired hands) clothes out on the back porch every Monday (usin' the fancy wash machine I spoiled her with on her 17th birthday back in '53).  So I can't really speak to your question other than relate to you the general information I got by researchin' the back of the Biz box.  But I'll go you one better, and that is by tellin' you how to prevent findin' yourself in this same predicament again in the future.  Now, you know I'm pretty savvy about a lot of things, but it don't take no Einstein to figure this out.  Basically, you got to stop eating spaghetti in your underwear, seein' as how you're just askin' for trouble if you do.  It's best to just go ahead and take off all your clothes before you sit down and eat, and then you don't have to worry about a thing, except for the weird looks your wife might be givin' you, especially if you're havin' company over for dinner.  But it's sure a lot easier later when you're hosin' tomato sauce off your body in the back yard than it is to try to launder it out of any sort of delicate, white fabric like your underwear.  Got it!  Good!  I got time for one more question.

Dear Pickin' Blaine's Brain,
     I need your advice about whether or not I should get married.  You see, I'm in my 20's, I'm a recent college graduate with no school loans to pay off (I was on 100% scholarship), and I have an unusually-high-paying job as a photographer taking pictures of young, scantily-clad female models for a popular men's magazine.  I own my own condo in a high-rise building in downtown Austin, as well as another one that I use seven or eight times a year in Las Vegas.  I own three vehicles: a Lamborghini Countach, a Ford Mustang, and a Humvee that I use to pull my custom-made Ranger bass boat.  I've been told that I am very good-looking, and I've never had any trouble picking-up wild and crazy UT coeds at the many popular nightclubs I frequent down on 6th Street.  Lately, though, I've been feeling like something is missing in my life.  The girls I find myself with just seem to want to do nothing but party and have a good time, with no strings attached.  But something in the back of my mind is telling me that I should find one nice girl to settle down with, someone who will keep me grounded, someone with whom I could spend all my free time, and with whom I could have a bunch of kids.  I don't know, but that just sounds great to me.  What do you think?           
(signed) Hungering for a Meaningful Relationship

Dear Hungerin' for a Meanin'ful Relationship,
     I... I... uhhh....  

Editor's note:  Blaine was apparently unable to finish writing his response to the last question before the deadline.  His wife informs us she last saw him stumbling away from his typewriter with a sick look on his face, heading for the bathroom. 

Pick o' the Day: Why I (heart) My Vitamix!

     A while back as I was visiting family in Colorado, my sister Ladea and her husband Vito were kind enough to introduce me to the wonders of a blender-like-machine (on steroids) called the "Vitamix."  I watched in awe as they expertly and effortlessly created a delicious tortilla soup out of common ingredients, normally found in a typical refrigerator, that were chopped, blended, mixed, and heated until piping hot right in the Vitamix's oversized pitcher.  Then, after we enjoyed eating the soup, the machine was rinsed-out and used to make a frozen Italian-ice-like dessert out of fresh fruit and yogurt.  I was absolutely amazed!  I resolved then and there to procure one of these beauties for the benefit of my own family (as visions of fabulous homemade soups and fruit smoothies danced in my head).  But what I did not know at that time was that a Vitamix can do much, much more than just cook healthy meals!

     As soon as I got back home to Texas, I immediately made the necessary arrangements for the Vitamix company to ship to me its most popular model post-haste.  I then waited with the utmost impatience for it to arrive.  Much to my delight, I heard a loud rapping at my door early the next morning, and I threw on my robe to welcome our new and eagerly-awaited addition to the family.

    

Needless to say, I was overjoyed!  She was absolutely beautiful!

    I was so excited, I threw on some clothes and hurriedly began gathering a few items from the kitchen cabinets that could be used to make something delicious with my state-of-the-art cooking machine.

     I was amazed at how easy the VitaMix cookbook was to understand, and just how easy it was to create a culinary masterpiece on my first try!

     But to my surprise, I discovered over the next few days that my Vitamix could do more than just improve the quality of food I could serve my loved ones.  Much, much more!  For example, I discovered that the Vitamix has remarkable driving skills, and it is more than willing to perform the duties of chauffeur for my morning commute to work!

     But that's not all!  Have you ever needed an extra player for family Poker Night?  I found out the hard (and expensive) way that the Vitamix is a highly-skilled and absolutely merciless card shark!  It literally kicked my butt in what I thought was going to be a friendly game of Five-Card Draw!

 

    

    That was pretty devastating, but my Vitamix was extremely sympathetic, and it acted quickly to make it up to me by tucking me in and reading me a bedtime story!

     I have to say that as time passes, I am falling in love with my Vitamix more and more.  It's actually like having a new best friend, and I continue to discover more things that it can do fantastically well each and every day.  So do yourself a big favor, and buy a Vitamix.  Like me, you'll be glad you did!

Special thanks to Eleazar Paradise Photography for providing the photos!

Bonus Photograph!

Sorry, but this did not make the cut for the original story!  However, we will be using it to pitch an idea to the Food Network for a new cooking show called "The Naked Cook - Episode 1: Spicy Cookin' for the Ladies!"

Pick o' the Day: Oh, Montana! (Chapter 5 - Le'von's Story Continues)

     Hank was feeling a bit overwhelmed by all that had happened and all he had heard over the last hour and a half or so, and he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something important that he should be remembering.  But everything that came before his unexpected reunion with his father was now a big, fuzzy blank.  The old man was up again, getting another free refill of his coffee cup.  While he was gone, Hank's eyes slowly drifted out the window and fixed themselves on an odd-looking car that was slowly turning into the small parking area of the tiny strip mall.  It was a huge and totally black Cadillac El Dorado, of a 70's vintage, with dark-tinted windows.  A "cooter" scooter, the kind usually driven by the frail and elderly, was mounted on the back, causing the car's rear end to sag so low that it scraped on the gutter pavement as it pulled into the parking lot.  Hank watched as the Sherman-tank-like car slowed to a crawl as it passed by.  A moment later, it was coming back the other way, again at a snail's pace.  It then swung around and came to a stop on the far side of the lot, facing the donut shop.  The smoky fumes coming out of the exhaust pipe ceased, but no one exited the car.
     "Wacha lookin' at, son?"  Le'von was back with his coffee and ice.
     "Oh, just that car over there," replied Hank.  "It looks like an El Dorado.  You don't see many of them these days.  Kind of like your Pinto."
     Le'von's smile disappeared.  "An El Dorado, you say?  Where?"  Hank pointed it out as the old man took his seat and squinted out the window.  "Ah, criminy!  I don't believe it!  How'd they know I was here?"
     "What, who?" asked Hank as he quickly sat up, alarmed by the look on the old guy's face.  "What's the matter?  Who's 'they'?"
     "I don't believe it," muttered the old man again, shaking his head.  "I was goin' to tell you about these guys, but I haven't got to that part of the story."  He looked down at his cup of coffee.  "And I ain't done with my coffee yet, neither.  Ah, to hell with 'em.  I'll just have to talk a litte faster.  Let those sons-a- bitches come and get me if they want me so bad.  Now, where was I?"
     Hank was more confused, and more alarmed, than ever.  "You were talking about when you bought our house, I think."  He looked back again at the big, black car.
     "That's right, I was," agreed Le'von as he took another swig.  "We bought ourselves a fine house.  And then before we knew it, you come along!  Our 'Little Hank'.  But we weren't worried about havin' another mouth to feed, cause I was doin' so well playin' cribbage.  As a matter of fact, I was doin' so well that I was able to quit my day job to play cribbage full-time.  And then I started branchin' out and playin' some of the big-time cribbage tournaments I was hearin' about, that they were holdin' in some of the larger cities around the state.  The prize money was pretty good, so I figured it was worth it, havin' to be away from home and be out on the road and all.  Nettie didn't like me bein' gone so much, but I didn't listen to her complainin' about it on account of I was doin' so well."
     "But, like all good things, there was a big downside to bein' a professional card player.  You see, it turns out cribbage is a game that seems to attract a lot of seedy characters for some reason.  And when you play professionally, like I was doin', you end up meetin' more than your fair share of major-league good-for-nothin' lowlifes.  But I figured I was better than the lot of 'em, and for the most part, I was keepin' my nose clean.  But then my success started generatin' some jealousy amongst the others, and I started experiencin' trouble, like goin' out after collectin' my winnins' and findin' my car was keyed or my tires slashed .  Yeah, things started gettin' kinda dicey."
     "But, of course, I refused to heed the warnin' signs.  I guess I was gettin' cocky.  And that's about when I caught wind of the biggest cribbage tournament of all, with the biggest prize pool ever heard of, that was to be held up in Dallas.  Hell, it had a 1,000 dollar prize for 1st place!  That was more money than I had ever earned in an entire year before!  So there was no way I was missin' that one!  Nettie told me she had a bad feelin' about it, though, and she didn't want me to go.  I should of listened to her.  But, I didn't.  I figured if I won, I could take some time off and spend it with my family.  Hell, Hank!  You were only about three years old then, and I'd hardly spent any time at all with you."
     "So I kissed my wife and my babies goodbye and caught a ride up to Dallas on the Trailways bus.  I got myself into that tournament, and boy, I had never in my life seen anything like it!  There were cribbage players there from all over, and even some from foreign countries like England, and France, and Idaho!  It wasn't exactly the most beautiful gatherin' of people I had ever seen, cause, as I said before, people who play cribbage are shady as all get out, and they're none too attractive, if you catch my drift.  But that didn't bother me none.  I wasn't there to hold anyone's hand and sing Kum-bay-yah or anything like that.  I was there to win, plain and simple!"
     "So we all started playin', and it took a couple a days to whittle the numbers down.  I had been playin' like a madman and was tryin' to be intimidatin' and all to the other players, and it pretty much worked, and before I knew it, I found I was one of the final two.  The organizers then put me up in a nice room at a fancy Super 8 so I could get some rest before the championship game that was scheduled at eight o'clock that night.  I was just grateful that I could get some sleep and clear my head of some of the smoke and bad breath I had been inhalin' all weekend, so when I got to my room I hit the sheets pretty hard.  They told me someone would be comin' by to pick me up at about seven-thirty, so I was surprised when I heard a loud poundin' on the door at six.  I opened the door intent on givin' someone a piece of my mind when two of the biggest, meanest, and ugliest-lookin' apes I had ever seen forced their way in and pushed me down into a chair.  I was at a bit of a disadvantage, you know, bein' in just my underwear and my head still groggy and all.  And one of 'em had a gun pointin' at me.  Otherwise, I think I could of taken 'em."
     "They were in some sort of foul mood, tellin' me to shut-up and listen to what they had to say, so I had to 'ack-wee-ess', if you know what I mean.  They said their names were "Tony the Crowbar" and "Larry" (I guess Larry hadn't earned his phony tough-guy nickname yet), and they said their boss had a lot of dough ridin' on the game, and that he was bettin' against me (which was his first mistake).  Then they said I had to make sure the other guy won.  They said if I didn't make sure the other guy won, then they would come back and, well, let's just say they insinuated that I'd be walkin' like a gimp for the rest of my life.  I couldn't believe what those two morons were tellin' me... that I had to take a dive!  I think they could tell I wasn't buyin' what they were sellin', so they decided to up the ante by sayin' they would also track me down and find out where I lived and then do somethin' bad to my family, too, if I had one.  Now that was crossin' the line, and so I told 'em that, and then they said I should just make sure I didn't win the game and then I wouldn't have to worry about that that kind of stuff."
     "So then the two goons decided to leave, and I was left alone there to ponder what kind of trouble I had just got myself into.  I wasn't worried about my own personal safety, since I was basically, at that time, a hundred and forty pounds of pure fightin' dynamite, and I had always been able to take care of myself when I was in a scrap back in my Air Force days, which was pretty often.  But that was before I was married and had kids and all.  Now I had real responsibilities that I took very seriously, and I didn't see how I could put you and your brother and sister and momma into any sort of danger.  And those two goons that were threatenin' me knew I was vulnerable like that and were exploitin' it."
     Le'von took yet another swig on his coffee, and then belched.  The warmly aromatic yet slightly putrid smell caused Hank's nose to burn a little bit.  "So the next thing you know, I'm there at that final championship table, just me and this other guy, with hundreds of people watchin' us, and we were only goin' to play one game, winner-take-all.  Luckily, I was pretty good at losin' on purpose, since I had so much practice playin' the old guys at the nursin' home, you know.  But I still had some pride, so I kept the other guy's lead to just six or seven pegs or so.  Then we come to the final turn on the board, and the end of the game was in sight.  I was pretty glum thinkin' about how it was all goin' to end with this other jackass, who I knew couldn't beat me fair and square, winnin' the trophy and all the cash.  And then it happened.  He was dealin', and he went and dealt me a jack of clubs and three fives, along with a couple of other crap cards.  Now that there was a great hand already, and I guess I wasn't thinkin' about it and kind of automatically threw the other two cards into the crib.  Then we made the cut, and wouldn't you know it, the five of clubs comes up!  Do you know what that meant?"
     "I have no idea," said Hank.
     "It meant that I had a '29' hand!  The best hand you can ever get in cribbage!  It was fifteen-eight with the jack and the fives, then another fifteen-eight with just the fives, then another twelve with the four-of-a- kind, and nibs to boot!"  Hank nodded, but he had never been more confused.  The old man went on.  "I was going to get 29 points out of it no matter what I did, and I was only 28 peggin' holes from the finish!  I kinda got excited about it, and, hell, I just went and laid it down, and the entire place went nuts.  The crowd was a- roarin', and before I knew it, I was bein' lifted up on someone's shoulders, and they were paradin' me over to the podium to receive the cash!  I couldn't really enjoy the ceremony all that much, though, because I was wonderin' what I had done.  I figured Tony the Crowbar and Larry were goin' to be a tad upset at me, and I didn't have a car to make a fast get-away.  So after they handed-over my winnin's, I just bolted for the back door and took off runnin' up the street!  I managed to flag down a cab, and I told the driver he'd get a whole dollar tip if he got me to the bus station but quick!"
     "Did those guys come after you?" asked Hank.
     "You better believe it!" replied his father.  He lifted the coffee cup to his mouth one last time and poured its contents in until it was drained.  "And to make a long story short, I've been on the lam ever since!  I couldn't go home because they would've followed me there and then found out about you guys.  So I headed north instead, hopin' to lose 'em, but they were a mighty damn tenacious couple of gorillas!  It didn't seem to matter where I went... they always showed up sooner or later!"
     "You mean they've been chasing you around the country all this time?  That's incredible... and really, really terrible!" marveled Hank.
     "That's right!" Levon agreed.  "I ain't had a moment's peace in all these years."
     Hank shook his head slowly.  "Wow.  That is unbelievable!  I mean... I believe it!  But..."
     "Oh, you can believe it, all right," said the old man.  "And if you don't believe it, you can just ask 'em about it yourself!"
     "What are you talking about?"
     "I think you might be sayin' 'Howdy-do' in just a couple of minutes."  Le'von pointed out the window at the big, black car, and Hank could see that the driver's side door was opening.


(Next time:  Oh, Montana! continues as Hank and Le'von have to hightail it out of town, with Tony the Crowbar and Larry in hot pusuit!)

Pick o' the Day: For My Daughter and Her Husband on Their Wedding Day

            We have now come to the part of the ceremony where the honor has been bestowed upon me to, perhaps, say a few words of wisdom for the benefit of this young couple.  A few days ago, when I began thinking about what I would say, I started making a list of all the nuggets of wisdom that I have gleaned over more than a half-century of living life, and, well, it turns out not to be a very long list, so this won’t take very long.  But I will do my best to speak from the heart, and to speak on behalf of the other parents of this couple as well.
  

Natalie and Christopher, as your parents, there are things that we might have wished for you, though we really did not have the right to do so.  For example, we might have wished that both of you could have stayed as the beautiful little babies you once were when you first entered this world.  You know we never got tired of holding you in our arms, and kissing you, and cuddling you.  And that’s something we still miss.  But we can’t wish that for you.

            And we couldn’t wish that you never learned to walk, even though the very first steps you took were away from us.  We couldn’t wish that you wouldn’t have to go off to school one day, even though we prepared you for it as best we could.  We couldn’t wish that you could have avoided adolescence, perhaps the most difficult time in a person’s life.  I don’t think I have to describe the angst and agony one suffers during that time of life, for we’ve all had to go through it.  But as a long-time middle school teacher, I’m still stuck there and I can’t escape it!

            We couldn’t wish for you that when you turned 16 you would not want to learn to drive, though that is one of the scariest things a parent has to experience.  Nor could we wish you would not go on that first date that we parents dread, because it might lead to something like this!  And we could never wish that you would not graduate from high school, even though the day you did was a sign that our remaining days together would be few.  And we could not wish that you might not want to move someplace far away (although in the case of Teresa and myself, we will probably follow you).

            And you know that as much as we would like to, we cannot wish for you that you will have no troubles in life, no struggles, no heartaches, no sickness, for we know these things will come on their own accord, and they come for everybody.

            But what we can wish for you, and what we have wished for you from the start, is that you find the great love of your life.  That you find the person who will love you, and whom you will love, more than anything else in this world.  That you find that this great love of your life is also your best friend, the one who cheers you on to become all you can and want to be in life, the one who wipes your tears and helps you pick up the pieces when things go wrong, the one who makes you feel like you’re just the greatest thing on God’s green earth to him or her.

            Some people find this great love of their life right next door.  And some of us have had to go on long and crazy journeys to find each other.  I found the great love of my life, not in Tucson, Arizona where she was born and raised, but in the jungles of Nicaragua, of all places, if you can believe that.  And you, Natalie and Christopher, though one was born in Tucson and the other in San Angelo, Texas, you have found each other here in Austin.  And the love we see in your eyes when you look at each other, and the fact that you are here making these vows to one another, lets us parents know that our greatest wish for you has come true today.

            And there is one more thing I want to say before we proceed with the ceremony.  I heard this a long time ago, and I don’t remember where or when or who said it.  But this person compared a great love that a married couple has for each other to a campfire.  At the beginning, once the match is struck, it blazes forth and burns like crazy!  But over time, it calms down a bit, and becomes warm, glowing, comforting, and comfortable embers.  But these embers never have to go out, though they might need some stoking now and then (remember how important it is to have a date night on a regular basis!)  But no monsoon, no blizzard, not even a Texas hurricane could ever blow this fire out, for when the winds blow on these embers, they just burn all the stronger!     

Pick o' the Day: Oh, Montana! (Chapter 4 - Le'von's Story Begins)

     "Well, I've had a lot of time to think about what I'd say to you, Hank, if I ever got the chance," said Le'von as he stirred a couple ice cubes into his second cup of coffee.  "You see, I don't want to just tell you why I had to leave.  I want you to understand why.  I know you got a lot a questions that need answers, so I figure that maybe I should just start at the beginnin'."  Le'von took a big swig, swallowed it with an audible gulp, and then continued.  "I know I'm a failure at bein' your dad and all, but that's not the way I intended for it to be.  The day I met your mother was the day I fell in love for the first and only time in my life.  And lookin' at her sweet face, I knew we'd end up with a mess of kids, so I figured I'd have to change my carefree batchelor ways and start walkin' the straight and narrow.  And I did.  Because I loved her so much, and I loved the idea of someday being' somebody's daddy."
      "You see, I was in the Air Force, stationed over at Bergstrom there, and since the war was over, all we were doin' was sittin' around and smokin' and playin' cribbage for a penny a point, just waitin' for our discharge papers.  Your mom was a local girl, beautiful, a real looker you might say, and she was waitressin' at a diner near the base, a place that I stumbled into one night after havin' a few too many beers and gettin' into a couple of fistfights just for the hell of it."  Le'von smiled as he remembered the moment.  "I guess she was one of those girls who couldn't resist a man in uniform cause we hit it off right away.  She made a big fuss about me messin' up my face, and she said I was too fine-looking a man to be gettin' into those kinda scrapes.  So I told her I'd stop fightin' if she'd go out with me, never figurin' she'd take me up on the offer."
     The old man got quiet for a moment as he looked down and stirred his drink with a swizzle stick.  He then continued.  "She let me know her name was Annette.  Annette Potts.  She said her friends called her Nettie, and I could too, if I wanted.  She couldn't really talk to me much more on account of the other customers being impatient and all, so she wrote her address on a napkin for me and said the carnival was in town and maybe we could go see it on Saturday night.  Then she winked at me and told me to pick her up at eight... and don't be late!"  Le'von chuckled at the little play on words, then took another big swig of his coffee.
     "So that Saturday night I cleaned myself up a bit and borrowed my buddy's car and drove over to Nettie's place in Del Valley.  Turns out she was livin' with her dad and her sister in a little shack on the wrong side of the tracks, if you know what I mean.  But times were tough then, and everyone was sufferin' some.  I honked the horn a couple of times to let her know I was there and to hurry up, but when she came out, she insisted that I had to go inside and meet her family.  So that's when I met your grandpa Chamber and your aunt Flower.  They were nice and polite and all, but I was itchin' to get on with our date, so after a little bit of chitchat, Nettie and me were on our way out the door."
     "Man, we had us a ball that night.  The carnival was hoppin', so we spent most of the evening there, strollin' around hand-in-hand, eatin' popcorn and cotton candy.  Nettie wasn't one for goin' on any of the rides cause she said they made her sick, but I didn't hold that against her none.  Hell, just bein' next to her made me feel happy inside."  Le'von sighed and then drained his coffee cup with a final swig and gulp.  "Hang on a sec, I have to get me another one of these."  He returned a couple of moments later with another steaming cup and more ice.  "Well, that was a great evening!  And I have to be honest with you... I was ready to ask her to marry me that very night.  But then I thought it might be a little too soon to be discussin' matrimony and all, so I waited until we had a couple more dates before I finally popped the big question."
     "You asked her to marry you on your third date?" asked Hank.
     "Yeah, I did," replied his dad.  "When you know she's the right gal for you, why wait?  That's what I always say.  I'm not sure you could even call the third one a date, since I was broke and didn't have any money to take her anywhere.  But we were out walkin' and we found this field of sweet-smellin' bluebonnets, and we set ourselves down in the middle of 'em and started neckin' a bit.  And finally I got my courage up and said to her, 'Nettie, I'm goin' to get out of the service any day now.  Before I met you, I thought I'd end up goin' back to my family's old homestead in Wyomin'.  But now I want to stay and be with you.  So why don't we just get married?'" 
     "As luck would have it, Nettie was agreeable to my proposal, but she insisted I had to talk to her dad and get his blessin' and all before we made it official.  So back over to Del Valley I went to discuss the terms of the deal with ol' Chamber.  He acted none too thrilled about the idea at first, and that's to be expected from anyone's pa, you know.  But after we had us a few beers and a couple of laughs, he started warming up to me.  I think it helped when I told him how I had served overseas in Alaska during the war, and that pretty much made me a hero in his eyes, so he finally agreed to let me marry his daughter.  He thought we were rushin' things a bit, though, seein' as we had only known each other for a couple of weeks, but in my opinion we had been pretty patient waitin' that long, since I knew on our very first date that she was the one for me."
     "My discharge from the Air Force finally came through about a week later, so I said 'Adios Amigos' to the boys in my squadron, and I told the sergeant he could go straight to hell!  I used a big chunk of my last paycheck to put a down payment on a used Nash Rambler so that I could pick Nettie up in style.  Then we quick found us a Justice of the Peace, and with Chamber and Flower there to be our witnesses, we tied the knot.  After that we had us a little honeymoon down in San Antone, and then we came back here to settle down."
     It was at that point that Le'von had to excuse himself to go to the john.  About five minutes later, he came back to the table with another cup of coffee in his hand.  "Whew!  That's better!  Now, where was I?  Oh yeah!  So I found me a job in construction, and with Nettie workin' at the diner, well, we were doin' pretty good for a while.  But then we found out she was with child, and before we knew it, your brother Charlie was born.  Nettie couldn't keep her job because she had to be home with the baby, so it wasn't long before we were hurtin' financially.  And then, wouldn't you know, Nettie went and got pregnant again!  And little Charlie not much more'n three months old!  I had to find some way to earn more money."
     "So on my first day off I was out poundin' the streets lookin' for a second job when I ran into this guy I knew, who everyone called "Mudbutt", one of my old Air Force buddies.  He was one of the guys who got me started playin' cribbage back when we lived in the barracks on the base.  Well, when he found out I was lookin' for a way to make some fast cash, he started tellin' me about how he had been rakin' in some serious dough playin' cribbage professionally.  He said he had seen some real talent in me, and he didn't mind lettin' me in on this opportunity because it was so easy, and there was plenty of money to go around."
     "I was all for it because it sounded a lot better than diggin' ditches.  So Mudbutt took me under his wing and started showin' me the ropes.  At first I just watched and learned.  He took me with him to the Shady Oaks, an old people's home, and he had a game goin' with an old geezer almost before he had a chance to sit down.  They started out playin' a penny a point, and to my surprise, the old guy won the first couple of games, and not by a little, but by a lot!  And there's Mudbutt havin' to reach into his pocket and pay him off!  Like sixty cents!  I was scratchin' my head there for a minute wonderin' how he considered this a money-makin' proposition.  But then he smiled and winked at me and then told the geezer he'd play one more game, but this time for a dollar a point.  Well, that old fart's eyes lit up like a neon sign, and he was resettin' the pegs faster'n you could say Jackie Robinson!  But this time, you wouldn't believe how Mudbutt's custom silver pegs just sailed around the track!  He ended up beatin' the old guy out of twenty bucks!"
     "Later, when we were drivin' home, he admitted to me that he had let the old guy win the first couple of times in order to build up his confidence and to be more agreeable to playin' for a dollar a point.  He said he was 'hustlin'' that guy and plenty of others like him.  And the best part about it was that those old guys never remembered what happened to 'em, so he could go back and do it again on a weekly basis!  That's when it hit me that this was a bit shady, as far as businesses go, if you know what I mean."
     Hank nodded in agreement.  "Yep, that sounds pretty shady."
     "Yep, you could say it was!  But on the other hand, it depends on how you looked at it.  We were providin' entertainment for some lonely old people, and you know that quality entertainment ain't free.  So in a way we were doin' a service for the community, and you know, that's something that's always been important to me.  So I got over any qualms I had about it real quick and started playin' cribbage as my second job, nights and weekends."
     "Man oh man, you wouldn't believe the money I started makin'!  It wasn't long before I was earnin' more at my second job than at my first.  By the time your sister Le'vonda was born, we were doin' so well that we were able to move out of our tiny apartment and into a real house!  A house we could call our own!  And that was a great house, Hank.  You know, it even had a cellar for storin' the potatoes!"


(Next time:  Oh, Montana! continues as Le'von finishes his story... and just in time, too!)