Pick o' the Day: Vampire Baby! Part The Last!

Post-It Note from Geeves, Head Butler of Paradise House, Attached to Breakfast-in-Bed Tray (with accompanying photograph)
18 May, 2009
Sire,
     The staff has been worried for quite some time now.  We all decided to hire a photographer to come and take a portrait of dearest Helena to lift your spirits.  We hope you start feeling better soon.
Geeves  

Blaine Paradise's Journal
20 May, 2009, 3:00 a.m.     Another sleepless night!  This makes it the fifth night in a row I have lain in my bed, eyes wide open, unable to catch a single wink (let alone forty!).  This is even worse than the 3-day bout with insomnia I had some years ago after greedily gorging on a luscious, sugar-filled apple crisp baked by my dear sister Vonda, bless her heart.   Well, that settles it!  I am absolutely convinced I have become a vampire!  My dear niece Vitoria warned that this might happen to me, and I am quite sure she is right.  But she has also informed me that this is a condition from which I can be cured simply by passing it on to another unfortunate soul, much like the hot potato game I used to play with my siblings and cousins when I was but a wee lad.  But who will be my unfortunate victim?

20 May, 8:30 a.m.     It was the harsh growling of a Briggs and Stratton that broke my chain of thought as I paced in circles within my velvet-draped bedchamber.  I went to the window and drew back the curtain.  There below me, pushing a mower around my luscious St. Augustine lawn, was my groundskeeper, Eleazar.  He has been in my employ for going on 6 years now, but I rarely speak to him, as he is usually dirty and smelly, and I have seldom given him anything more than an occasional nod as I inspect the grounds.  It is rumored that he lives alone with his two dogs in a tool shack behind the stable, where he dabbles in grass hybridization, bread baking, and beef brisket smoking during his off-hours.  I realized then that he might make the perfect recipient of the gift I so very much long to give away.  Tonight will be the night!

20 May, 11:30 p.m.     My plan is in place, and I am ready to embark on my fiendish errand!  I am in luck that a full moon has risen in the eastern sky, making it easier for me to see as I make my stealthy way to my unsuspecting victim!  The night air is a tad chilly, so I must remember to take my black cape, cane, and top hat, lest I catch my death of cold!  To the tool shack I go!

21 May, 6:00 a.m.     Alas, my brilliant plan has gone awry!  Oh, that I could have foreseen such a horrible turn of events!  My hand is still shaking, but I will write down all that happened after I left the house last night so that the reader of this journal will know the truth should I meet violent misfortune in the near future!
     After I left Paradise House, I made my way down the lane to the stable.  When I turned the corner, I espied the rustic tool shack just ahead, with the faint, greenish glow generated by a computer monitor emanating from its only window.  Quietly as an alley cat I advanced to the window and peered in.  There he was!  My hapless victim!  He had his back to me, with a black and tan dachshund curled up on his lap and a golden lab sleeping at his feet, and he appeared to be typing furiously on a keyboard.  And I could hear him giggling like a lunatic as he posted doctored-up photographs on his Facebook wall for all to see.
     My eyes drifted from his computer screen to the back of his neck, where I assumed I would have to bite him, and it was then that I noticed how grossly hairy his neck actually was!  YUCK!  It must have been months since he had received a haircut from his sister Natalie (a well-known hair stylist in Austin, Texas.  Mention this story and receive a 10% discount!)  Rumor has it that the smell of his hot, sweaty scalp has caused her to gag more than once!  I then noticed that his ears were hairy as well, with the bristle-brush hairs growing from them adding a pointed, elf-life appearance to his overall mien.  Even the back of his arms were covered with thick dog-like hair, and his filthy, grease-stained t-shirt appeared to be ripped in many places.  Just then, an antique German Cuckoo Clock, located on the wall above the rakes and weed-eaters, struck twelve, and I watched in horror as he turned his head to look at it!
     Now let me pause a moment to say that I have seen him on more than one occasion with an unshaven face, looking as if he has an aversion to razors and shaving cream, but this was ridiculous!  His face was that of an abnormally grotesque wolf!  The kind that gets kicked out of the pack for being so appallingly ugly!  I must have let out a loud gasp, and he turned around and saw me gaping in the window!  Immediately he let out a long and hideous howl that startled more than just beeswax from me this time, if you know what I mean!  And then the realization hit me... he was on Team Jacob!  TEAM JACOB!!!!!  Oh, no!
     I turned and started running, and I could hear the beast breaking through the window as he (and his two devil-dogs) began the chase!  The ground was literally shaking, and I could feel the hot breath of the furious monster on the back of my neck as I ran like a bat outta hell!  (Wait a minute, that's another story!)  Anyway, I knew I would not be able to outrun a pack of dogs, so I headed for the nearest pecan tree and made an incredible leap into the lowest branch.  I then scrambled up as high as I could go.  The three foul-smelling beasties (werewolf, dachshund, and lab) busied  themselves leaping and baying at me until they were absolutely exhausted.  Then they took turns sniffing the base of the tree and peeing over where the others had previously peed (I think that's another story, too).  Finally, they got bored and went home.  I jumped out of the tree and dashed back to my humble abode just as the sun began to rise.  And now I am writing this final journal entry, bringing to a close this entirely ridiculous and made-up shaggy-dog story because I cannot think of anything else to write to prolong it!  And so, I wish you Good Day!  

Cast of Characters

Blaine Paradise, played by Himself

Helena Paradise, played by Herself
Helena's mother, played by Tina

 Vitoria Bella Cullen Dante, played by Vitoria Belle Dante

 Eleazar, the groundskeeper, played by Eleazar Paradise

 Devil Dogs, played by PJ and Bubba

 English Maid, played by some weirdo we found in downtown Austin
who was willing to play the part

                  

Credits

All Photography by Eleazar Paradise Photography (eleazarparadise.com)

Special Thanks To:

Vitoria Belle Dante, for helping to write Part II

Helena, for being a really spooky baby vampire

Tina, for being a wonderful mommy for Helena

Natalie, for her love, inspiration and haircuts
Eleazar, for his great photos

and most of all

Teresa, for cooking great Mexican meals and being a fantastic kisser!

BONUS PHOTO GALLERY

                                

Pick o' the Day: Vampire Baby! Part 2

Vitoria Bella Cullen Dante's Diary
10 May, 2009, Miss Peckham's Finishing School for Girls, Castle Rock, Colorado

Dear Diary,
     I have just received a very strange letter from a very strange uncle of mine in Texas!  It seems he is worried about his granddaughter, my own dear cousin Helena, and he seems to think she might be transforming into a vampire!  How exciting!  And he is asking for my advice about what he should do about the situation.  Of course, I shall write him back at once, even though I am very busy with my own studies for my triple major of Pre-Med, Pre-Law, and Pre-Supermodeling (with a minor in Shakespearean Acting)!  Now, where have I placed my stationery and goose-quill pen?

Letter from Vitoria Bella Cullen Dante
10 May, 2009

Dearest Uncle Blaine of the Estate of Paradise House,
     It was such a pleasure to receive news from you, though I am distraught at the circumstances concerning my cousin, the beautiful baby Helena.  I, too, am worried, for I fear that she may be showing signs of one of the rarest of conditions, Vampirism!  Her photo was breathtaking, yet... her skin was as pale as Snow White, her eyes were as violet and vivid as those of Heidi, a Volturran Vampire that I have studied, and her teeth are as sharp as a shark's.  Other than that... she sure is cute!
     I appreciate all of the details that you put into your 12-page letter.  It has helped me in the upmost of ways.  I will certainly help you decode this situation.  Helena has many of the same symptoms that young Vampires have. The only thing that makes me believe she is not fully transformed is that she still drinks milk.  It is only blood red from the food coloring and not from... well... you know.  She is also still very obedient.  That is a good sign.  Her personality has not yet changed.  Hopefully, it will not.  In all of my years studying and learning about Vampires, I have never heard of such a unique case of Vampirism.  I am praying that the side effects don't kick in.  We may have caught this at exactly the right time.
     I, too, have been diagnosed with this rare, special, and awesome condition.  However, I asked for it, so it is a totally different situation (Go Team Edward!).  Promise me that you won't tell my Dad!  As hard as it is to hear, Vampirism is contagious.  There is a small possibility that I could have given it to my precious cousin.  I did smother her in kisses when she was here at the ripe old age of five months.  I couldn't help myself.  She was too cute!  If this is the case... then we must act quickly.  There is no time to waste!
     It is treatable.  She is still young enough to get rid of this.  First things first... you must make a big batch of my Dad's garlicky Shrimp Pasta.  Eat two full plates, loaded with Parmesan cheese.  Don't brush your teeth for two days (apologize to Aunt Teresa for me... it really is the only way to protect yourself).  This will saturate your body and hopefully keep Helena from gnawing on you.  We must complete this mission before midnight on All Hallows Eve.  She must give it to someone or something else by then.  If she doesn't, she will become a Vampire forever.  This is the easiest, as well as the only, cure that I know of.
     I am sorry this letter is so short, but I am the captain of my badminton team, and I am being called away for my match.  Give Helena a big kiss for me!  Ta, Ta!  And Bonne Appetite!
Vitoria B.C. Dante

Blaine Paradise's Journal
14 May, 3:00 p.m.     I have finally received my long-awaited reply from my dear niece Vitoria, and I am heartened to hear that we have a bit of hope after all!  I shall do everything she advises in her letter post-haste!  I have already dispatched my valet to the town to procure from the local grocer all the necessary ingredients for a double batch of her father Vito's Garlicky Shrimp Pasta, and I have immediately ceased brushing my teeth (not that I brush very often - my standard rule has always been to brush once a month whether I need to or not).  As soon as my valet returns, I shall prepare the pasta myself!

14 May, 9:00 p.m.     Oooooh.  I am soooooooo unwell!  I do not know which is worse, the violent projectile vomiting or the explosive looseness of my bowels!   Ohhhhhhhhhohohohooooooo!  I do not understand what has happened!  I prepared the pasta dish the traditional way, the way I was taught by Vito himself when I was but an eager young apprentice in his Italian kitchen (though I found it extremely odd that today the intense vapors from the garlic repulsed me to no end).  And though I have never had any trouble eating the pasta before (in fact, I have always found it to be extraordinarily sumptuous, especially when it is coated in a 2-inch layer of grated Parmesan cheese a la Dante-style), I could barely force the two platefuls into my gullet.  And now I am violently ill, and I do not know why!  Oh, no!  I fear my stomach and my bowels are both about to explode yet again, perhaps at the same time!  Back to the chamber pot I go!

2nd Letter from Vitoria Bella Cullen Dante
(sent by overnight express mail)
14 May, 2009

Dearest Uncle,
     Now that I think about it, I am surprised that you haven't changed into a Vampire yet yourself with all the gnawing that has been going on with Helena.  Wait a second... THAT'S IT!  Uncle Blaine, I am giving you fair warning, you may change into a Vampire!  YES!!!!!!!  THAT'S IT!!!!!!!  She knows that she must trade the Vampire Venom to you to save herself!!!!!!!!!!!!  That explains all of the gnawing.  All you have to do is trade it to another to be rid of it and get it out of your family's system before All Hallows Eve night!!!!!!!  Forget the garlicky Shrimp Pasta (it might make you very, very sick).  Instead, let her chew on you as much as possible!
     All Hallows Eve is five and a half months away.  You have time to transform and then pass it on.  You should be fine.  Unless...  oh, it doesn't really matter, it's impossible that would happen, so don't worry about it.  We'll just hope for the best!  Keep me up-to-date on the progression of the transformation.  Give baby Helena big kisses from her cousin, and let her know how much I love her.  Good luck, Uncle Blaine!
Love,
Your niece,
Vitoria

Blaine Paradise's Journal
15 May, 6:00 p.m.     As I sit here holding Vitoria's second letter in my hand, I cannot help but wonder how it came to be that she forgot to mention this very important information in her first letter!!!!!!!  Then I might not have eaten all of that garlic!!!!!!!  And then I might not have gotten so sick!!!!!!!  But at least I know now everything she wants me to know, so that I might be able to formulate a brilliant plan to rid myself of this insidious infection.  What to do... what to do?  Perhaps I should take my two ferocious Watch-Dachshunds for a walk around the estate grounds so that I might clear my head.  Yes!  That's it!  A long walk with my ferocious and deadly guard dogs!  To the kennels I go!

15 May, 8:00 p.m.     (Gasp!)  (pant! pant!)  Oh, thank heaven I (gasp!) made it back alive!  (pant! pant!)  I was nearly torn to shreds (gasp! pant! bleed! gurgle!) by my formerly trustworthy Watch-Dachshunds!  The foul-smelling brutes literally chased me around the entire estate twice before I managed to elude them and make it back inside (pant! pant! bleed! bleed! gasp! whine!)!  Why, oh why is this happening to me?

3rd Letter from Vitoria Bella Cullen Dante
(sent by Western Union telegram, delivered by messenger on 15 May, 8:30 p.m.)

P.S.  (stop)  Stay away from wolves or dogs of any kind for the moment  (stop)  They don't like Vampires  (stop)  And they smell really bad!!!  V.  (end)


A big shout-out to Vitoria Dante for co-writing this installment!  You are a wonderful writer, Vitoria Bella!  Thanks for your help!

Pick o' the Day: Vampire Baby! Part 1

Blaine Paradise's Journal - 
3 May, 2009, Manor, Texas     I had another disturbing dream last night.  I was running away from something, but I don't know what.  And I heard music, children's music.  I had heard it before, but where?  Keep trying, keep trying, don't give up... never give up... It was eerie, I tell you.

5 May     Something strange is happening here at my country estate, Paradise House, though I cannot put my finger on exactly what it is.  I got up normally, and, as per my custom, hobbled to the kitchen to ensure the coffee was going.  I then tightened my velvet robe's sash around my ample waist and made my way out the front door into the chilly morning air to retrieve my newspaper, hoping against hope that it would be lying on the dewy grass to be easily procured, rather than thrown up under my motorcar on the driveway, thus forcing me on my hands and knees to grope for it (the last time that happened, a neighborhood cat was under there as well, and its startled hiss scared the living beeswax out of me, if you know what I mean).  Though I searched high and low, I could not locate my morning read, and my heart sank as I realized I would have nothing to peruse this day as I sat in the water closet.
     Later, after my usual breakfast of soft boiled eggs, English muffins, and menudo (garnished with finely diced green onions and fresh Chilean cilantro), I retired to the drawing room to relax in my chair.  Feeling of good temperament, I requested that my granddaughter be brought to me, that I might watch her play for awhile.  She was carried in forthwith, and her beaming mother let it be known that she had an important announcement to make.  The child had grown her first baby teeth that very night!  How wonderful, I thought! But after she placed the not-quite-six-month-old nursling on my lap, I noticed that her two new teeth protruded from her mouth in an odd way, much like the fangs of an Amazonian vampire bat (with which I had had an unfortunate encounter years ago as I led an expedition in a fruitless search for the fabled El Dorado, but that's another story).
     Not wanting to worry the little one's mother with my concerns, I "oohed" and "aahed" about how white and shiny and sharp those new teeth were.  The compliments appeared to please her mother, who then informed me that it was time for the baby's bath.  I was left alone with my thoughts, puffing on my pipe in my chair, but I couldn't shake a vague feeling of uneasiness that had settled uncomfortably on my chest, leaving me with a bad case of  heartburn and putrid-tasting burps.

6  May     Today I had yet another strange experience that has left me even more perplexed than usual.  As I was taking my customary stroll around the house, I happened into the nursery and found my granddaughter playing with her teddy on the ceiling.  I thought that a bit odd (if not somewhat dangerous), and I told her to come down from there that instant and play on the floor like a normal child.  She is an obedient little girl, so she floated down immediately upon hearing my command.  I rewarded her with a pat on the head, but she then grabbed my leg and started gnawing on my left ankle.  I sensed she was hungry, so I rang for the maid to bring a warm bottle right away.  While we waited for the bottle to arrive, I gathered the diminutive anklebiter into my arms to give her a kiss, and I noticed that her eyes, rather than their usual slate-grayish-blue, had changed to a deep and vivid  purple!      
                            

     I was both con- and dumb-founded at the same time!  What was going on?  I had heard that a baby's eyes could change color, but this was ridiculous!  When the maid returned with the bottle, she took the baby from my arms and sat in the rocker to feed her.  I then noticed that the liquid inside the clear, glass bottle was as red as blood!  Seeing my looks of disgust and consternation, she said, "Oh, 'tis her formula for sure, Guvna'.  Ain't a one of us knows why, but she won't drink it 'less we add some red food colorin' to it, don't ya know."  I left the nursery feeling a bit shaken, with questions whirling around in my head - questions that require answers that I may not want to hear!

7 May, 4:00 a.m.     I did not get much sleep this night, for I am absolutely possessed with both fear and the desire to find the reason for my granddaughter's metamorphosis.  I locked myself in the library so that I might conduct my research undisturbed, with nothing but a bottle of Forty Creek, two Red Bulls and a bag of Cheezits to keep me company, and for hours I have poured over tome after tome, volume after volume of vampire lore.  Yes, I said it!  Vampire lore!  That is my suspicion!  That my poor little granddaughter is a vampire!  Now, on to the DVD's!

7 May, 11:59 a.m.     Alas, I cannot be certain of that which I fear, though I greatly increased my store of knowledge regarding the vampire by watching a number of well-researched videos on the devilish subject, including (but not limited to) Bram Stoker's Dracula; Abbot and Costello Meet Dracula; Dracula, Dead and Loving It; Love at First Bite; and Blacula.  Oh, the horror of it all!  I feel that my bloodshot eyes are ready to fall from their tortured sockets!  Oh, that I could get some sleep!  But there is one more task that I have to do before I seek the blessed repose that can only be found in my velvet-draped bedchamber!  I have decided to write a letter pleading for help and advice from an expert in the area of vampirology; the only person I know who knows everything there is to know about these hard-to-know creatures; the one person I trust whole-heartedly because of her vast store of vampire knowledge -- my niece Vitoria Bella Cullen Dante!  She is a budding legend in the Twilight world, who simply devours each new book in the series as fast as they are churned out (it is rumored that she read Twilight in little more than two hours, that she read Midnight Sun before it was officially published, and that she has plans to read the next novel in the series, Solar Flare, before it is even written!)  No one could know more about vampires than she!  So, I am taking pen in hand and dashing off a short, ten-to-twelve page letter to her describing the symptoms suffered by my beloved granddaughter in order to find out, once and for all, if there is any hope for us!  And, God-willing, she will write back before it is too late!                    

Pick o' the Day: Welcome to Snake City!

Interesting fact:
According to reliable sources (real Indians), the word Sioux means "snake".  Thus Sioux City, the place of my birth, means "Snake City." Ironically, I have a phobia of snakes.
Go to http://www.snowowl.com/ for more info.

Some things I learned the hard way:
Don't listen to First Time Ever I Saw Your Face  (Leona Lewis version) when you're driving home to get a little rest from the hospital where your wife is being treated for symptoms of a stroke.  You can easily get into a wreck, trust me.

Don't buy generic Hamburger Helper.  Pay the big bucks and get the real thing.

When you are asked to propose a name for your "Biggest Loser Contest" weight-loss team at work, don't suggest "The Hungry, Hungry Hippos".

Something I learned the easy way:
There aren't many things in life sweeter than getting a kiss on your cheek from your granddaughter.

Wisdom from others:
The more education you get, the older you get, and the wiser you get, the more you realize you don't know squat.  (submitted by Teresa)

Anything with testicles is dangerous.  (submitted by Tina)

The problem with experience is that you don't get it until just after you need it.  (submitted by Anonymous)

Wisdom is accepting that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.  (submitted by Anonymous)

You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!  (submitted by Homer Simpson)

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

One Year Ago  Helena, after feasting on sweet potatoes and rice cereal, pooped her pants. Her father, Eleazar, who had to change her diaper, gagged.

Twenty-seven Years Ago  Eleazar had an unusually heavy and saggy poopy diaper.  Because it was a cloth diaper, his father, Blaine, had to rinse it out in the toilet before placing it in the soak bucket.  He gagged.

Forty-eight Years Ago  While hurrying home from visiting his father at a construction site in Lawton, Iowa, four-year-old Blaine could hold it no longer and pooped his pants.  He had to waddle the last block home and tell his mother, Lorna, what he did.  As they were cleaning him up, both his mother and his older sister, Vonda, gagged.



A quick shout-out to my colleague John and sister Ladea for commenting on the last blog post.  Thanks, guys!