That's it. I've had it. No more. Ain't gonna put up with it any longer. I tried to be nice. I tried to understand. I tried to live and let live. But you blew it. You blew it. You're to blame. It's not me. It was never me. It was you. All of you. You and your kind. There's no compromise with you. No "meet me halfway". No "let's be neighbors". No 'let's share this yard". No. You want it all. You want me dead. You want my family dead. But guess what? That's not gonna happen. You can't have me. You can't have my family. It's you who will be dead. And soon. Why? Because I have decided to use the nuclear option on you. That's right. The nuclear option.
It's been more than four years that we have been fighting. As long as World War II. Nothing I have done has convinced you to stop the attacks. Nothing. I have bombed your cities and razed your towns and burned your villages. Yet you don't give up. You quietly rebuild. You plot your revenge. You initiate counter attacks. You don't quit. You never quit.
You try to ambush me every time I venture out into the yard. You swarm my vulnerable, sandled feet like a Mongolian Horde, making me shout and curse and hop around and run for the garden hose, which I then can't get to dispense the cooling waters fast enough because of the many kinks that develop as it hangs on the hose hook. And you take to the air like Kamikazes when I accidentally run over your latest, hidden mound with my lawn mower, descending on my upper body like Death From Above and inflicting bite after stinging bite on my sweaty neck and arms. You once even initiated a midnight raid into my house, which I assumed was off-limits, hunting me down as I slept with my right arm hanging over the side of the bed, and rousing me in a screaming fit of agonizing pain from the biting and stinging of the tips of my fingers.
And so I have decided to end this little war of ours. You did not know that I have an ally called Home Depot, my weapons dealer of choice, that happens to sell a product called Ortho BugBGonMax. It is easily dispensed over the entire yard by my impressive, state-of-the-art Scott's 74101 Basic Broadcast Spreader. And now I have gone and done it. And you will soon be dead. All of you. And I will laugh and celebrate by watching the Texas Longhorns smear Rice by at least 50 points today at 2:00 pm central time in the season opener on ESPN. So goodbye! It was not nice knowing you! Hasta la vista, baby! Don't come back, y'hear? Ha...HaHa...HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa...HeeHeeHee...HaHaHaHaHaHaHa...HAH!
A quick shout out to Mexican from Mars, Mateo, and Eleazar for their comments. Muchas gracias, amigos!
The fire ants already got to your Longhorns. I don't know how they did it but they made the quarterback suck again. Something tells me they will be back next Spring. Well at least we will have a few months of peace.
ReplyDeleteOk... so this morning I read your funny story about the fire ants and I must have had them on my mind. I was enjoying my Honey Nut Cheerios with bananas when I felt something on my leg. I thought it was my imagination. I reached down to see what it was and I picked up a pincher bug! When I realized that it was a bug I freaked out and catapulted my cheerios, bananas and milk all over myself, the table, the chair, the carpet and the wall! It was a disaster! What are the chances? I think they are after me now because they found out I am your sister! Thanks a lot, Blaine! :O)
ReplyDeleteIf any bugs are reading this...just know that I apologize for my brother's murderous ways and I am sorry for your losses! :O) Please refer any and all attacks to my other brother, Joe in Rifle. The worst he will do to you is suck you up in his bug vacuum. I know you'll love him because he smells like Stink Bait! HOO HA HA!
Love ya Blaine! Keep up the awesome writing! I LOVE IT!
Bring it on bugs. I have about as much love for ants as I do house flies and gnats. Either of which could go extinct tomorrow, and I would sleep better than I've slept since I had my last dry pair of pants and warm bottle. Oh, I'ld maybe pause, but then, not. Let em die. Let em all die. When I'm dead, they'll all be munching on me, but until then, they can find something else to munch on. Like poison.
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