Why is it that every time I pick up a big, heavy rock and throw it as hard as I can at the Port-a-Potty my son just locked himself into, it's just the funniest thing?
Flossing teeth should happen before applying Preparation H, not after.
Has anyone ever met an honest-to-goodness person from Montana? I mean, I've met people from all over, like China, and Paraguay, and Germany. Heck, I think I even saw a leprechaun once. But I've never met a Montanan. I think they might be a myth or something.
Why did the turtle try to cross FM973? He wanted to die, I guess.
My granddaughter thinks I look like a movie star. She was watching "The Addams Family" on DVD, and when she saw Uncle Fester, she said, "Granpa!"
I think migrant eskimos should be called "Snowmads".
Has anyone ever found a real piece of bacon in Campbell's Bean with Bacon soup? I sure haven't, and I've been looking since I was 10 years old.
If I ever buy a donkey, I'm going to name him "Hotey".
What did the guy who went to Jamaica for the first time ask the Jamaican chef when he heard the chef was cooking Jamaican food and the guy had never eaten Jamaican food before and he didn’t even know what Jamaican food was? "What's Jamaican?"
The person who should get paid the most in any business or organization is the one who has to clean the restrooms.
It has occurred to me that the politicians who run our country and who are trying to figure out how to fix our many problems are, in all likelihood, no smarter than me. And if that's true, we're screwed.
I'd like to start a business selling water tanks to farmers and whoever, and sell 'em dirt cheap. You know, practically give 'em away. I'd call it Tanks for Nuttin'!
I see that McDonald's has a new menu item called a McWrap. Has anyone else noticed that when you say it out loud, it sounds like you're saying McCrap? (Yes, I would like two McCraps, please, and a Diet Coke.)
You better believe that when I eat my last meal, bacon's gonna be a big part of it!
Sometimes when God speaks to me, he speaks in Spanish.
I'm sure glad that change is such a big part of our lives. I get so tired of knowing how to do things.
If you're going to thank God for the sunny days, you should also thank him for the rain.
It has always been one of my traditions to take the family to see and enjoy the Trail of Lights during the Christmas holiday season. This year, however, I thought I would try something different and take them to see it after it gets dark outside. I hear it's even better then.
I find the word "fart" somewhat offensive. Why don't we start calling them "butt burps"?
Sometimes, when you get into trouble, it is because you did something right!
It takes a lot of love to raise a Grandpa.
