Pick o' the Day: Grandpa's Top Ten Rules of Order

1.  If there is anyone else in the house, I mean anyone, who is capable of changing a grandbaby's diaper, then that person MUST be the one to change the diaper.  Grandpa will change the diaper if he is the ONLY one around who can do it.

2.  Grandpas need lots of kisses from grandbabies in order to survive.  If they don't get lots of them, they will wither away and die.

3.  Grandpas don't have to bathe on Saturday, nor brush their teeth, nor shave, nor change their underwear, nor wear a belt, nor anything else, unless they want to.

4.  It's best to stay out of Grandpa's business.  No one should try to tell him his business.  Only Grandpa know's what his business is. 

5.  Never tell Grandpa his shoes need polishing.  He doesn't care.

6.  Never tell Grandpa he's going to get a hot, grilled ham and cheese sandwich and then change your mind and fix him just a cold sandwich.  That's kind of cruel.

7.  Never fill up Grandpa's DVR storage space with boring women's movies from Lifetime Channel, major network primetime law or medical dramas, anything from TLC Channel, or the Food Channel unless you have received prior authorization.  Pretty much anything from the History Channel is OK.

8.  You must do your best not to criticize Grandpa's driving.  He has been driving since before you were born.  He know's what he is doing.  There is a method to his madness.

9.  Don't get mad at Grandpa if he is reluctant to try something new.  He knows what he likes, and he has everything he needs.  He prefers things to be predictable.

10.  Don't let Nana be away from Grandpa too long.  He may pretend he likes some alone time, but he can't be happy unless she is near him.



     

Pick o' the Day: Oh, Montana! (Chapter 1 - Hank Wakes Up)

(And so begins Oh, Montana!, the second part

of the epic tale that began with The Grackle Catcher)

     Hank Wendt had found out the hard way that a serious head injury can lead a person to discover just how thin the veil actually is that separates this world from the next.  Sometimes he was aware that he was lying on a bed in what seemed to be a hospital ward, and this made sense to him (since he understood that he had been injured somehow), except that he could swear that Evangeline, his long-lost childhood love, whom he hadn't seen for years and years, was sitting there beside him, dabbing his forehead with a cool washcloth, or holding his hand, or kissing him on the cheek.  So that part was probably a dream.  But then he would find himself floating in air, surrounded by whispering shadows, and in the distance he would behold a brilliant and blindingly bright light that seemed, somehow, to beckon to him, and he wanted to go to it, but something was holding him back.  And when he would turn to look at what it was that held him, he would again see Evangeline's tearfully beautiful face smiling at him, and he would hear her gentle voice saying, "Come back to me, Hank" and "I love you, Hank" and "I need you, Hank."  And so he decided to stay.
     Eventually he found himself spending more and more time in this world and less and less in the other until one morning he opened his eyes and he knew that he was back for good.  He found he was indeed a patient in a hospital ward and that he had suffered a serious blow to his head that very nearly cost him his life.  And it really was Evangeline who had been taking care of him through it all.  Sure, the doctors and nurses had (probably) done everything they could for him, but he knew in his heart that it was she who had brought him back, who had insisted he come back, and who had made him truly want to come back.  As he gazed around his bed, he noticed, to his delight, a red, heart-shaped helium balloon tied near his feet that had the words "Get Well Soon" printed on it.  On the small nightstand near his head, there was a miniature teddy bear holding a sign that said, "I love you BEARY much!"  Hank thought that was both touching and funny at the same time.  There were fresh-cut flowers in a vase and a 3x5 portrait of Evangeline (in a frame hand-decorated with what seemed like hundreds of tiny red hearts) that he could admire when she wasn't there in person.  And if it wasn't for the fact that strange people kept dying all around him, he could have sworn that he had woken up in heaven.
     A nurse who brought him his lunch told him he was in the Blessing Street Shelter for the Chronically Hopeless, and she seemed a bit surprised that he was recovering, since most of their patients were so bad off that there wasn't much they could do for them except keep them as comfortable as possible until they finally kicked the bucket.  And that happened quite a bit there in the crowded, ten-bed ward where Hank had found himself.  Despite that depressing fact, he counted himself lucky that he had been brought to this fine facility, and he figured it was nothing short of a miracle that it was the place where Evangeline happened to work.  She usually didn't come in until the night shift started, but lately, according to the nurse, she had been coming in a lot earlier to spend extra time with him.  The nurse also said that Evangeline told them that she and Hank were old friends from way back.  Hank smiled when he heard this, but he kept it to himself that he and Evangeline had, in fact, been married, thinking that perhaps it was not something the nurses needed to know.  The smell of the food then hit his nostrils, and he realized that he felt like he was starving, so he eagerly ate the fabulous meal that was set before him (which included some sort of real meat with gravy, green beans, and a roll with butter, topped off with a small cup of lime Jello with a bonus dollop of whipped cream... Wow!).  Then, feeling much better, he lay back on his bed to wait for Evangeline to come.
     He hadn't realized he had dozed off until he felt a gentle touch on his forearm, and he woke with a slight start.  "Hello, Hank!" said Evangeline.  "How are you?  They tell me you woke up today, and you even ate your lunch!"  She was standing at his side, her face as devastatingly beautiful as it ever was, and Hank felt like he was going to melt if he kept looking at her.  So he looked away for a moment, cleared his throat, and then he turned back and said, "Evangeline!  I did wake up today!  And I think I'm going to be okay."
     "That's wonderful, Hank!"  Her face was beaming with happiness.  "I brought you a present.  It's something I baked just for you!"  She carefully placed a colorfully (and perfectly) wrapped box into his hands.  Hank unwrapped the gift (making sure to save the bow, since that way it could be used again someday) and discovered a neat and fragrant stack of nut-filled brownies.  Try as he might, he couldn't recall ever having received such a wonderful gift before.  "Go ahead and have one," said Evangeline.  "You need to start gaining some weight back."
     When she said that, it occurred to Hank that he didn't know how long he had been in that semi-conscious state, and when he asked her if she knew, she told him that it had been for almost two weeks.  "What happened to me?" he asked her.  She told him what she knew, that he had been found lying injured on the ground behind a B-U-T-T-S  grocery store.  The EMTs had told her that they thought he was a homeless guy who was probably scrounging for food or something, but she said she didn't believe that.  "But what were you doing back there, Hank?" she asked.  "I... I don't know," replied Hank.  "I can't remember."
     "Do you remember your address, Hank?  Or a phone number?  I'm sure your family is worried sick about you, and we need to let them know you're okay."   He thought about it for a moment, but the only thing that came to him just then was a headache.  "Owww.  No... I don't remember much of anything right now.  But I remember you.... us... in seventh grade.  Evangeline, I've missed you so much.  And I never got to tell you goodbye..."  She gently shushed him and put a cool washcloth on his forehead.  "I've missed you, too.  And I'm not going anywhere.  You better close your eyes and rest now."  Hank did as he was told, and he was soon snoring away.  Evangeline then spent the next hour caressing his cheek with the back of her hand, stopping now and then to dab her eyes with a tissue.
     After a few more days of steady progress, he was informed one morning by the nurses that he was well enough to be discharged.  They knew he was experiencing some profound memory loss and that he couldn't remember if he had a home to go to, but his hospital bed was needed for those who were worse off than him, and Hank couldn't argue with that line of reasoning.  They brought him his clothes and kindly helped him pack his things in a paper sack.  One nurse was even nice enough to tie his helium balloon to his wrist so that it wouldn't get blown away by the icy wind outside.  He asked them if he could wait long enough for Evangeline to come so that he could thank her and tell her goodbye, and they said he could sit in the waiting room if he wanted to.  When Evangeline arrived that evening about 8:00, she found Hank sitting in a chair by the front door, and she saw his face light up when he saw her.  "What's going on, Hank?" she asked.  "What are you doing out of bed?"  When she found out they wanted to send him away without knowing if he had somewhere to go, and that he had been sitting in the waiting room for hours and hours, the smile on her face disappeared, and it was replaced with a look that was sort of scary.  She started towards the nursing station, but after a few steps she stopped.  She turned to look at Hank.  He could see that her face was red, and she was biting her lower lip.  She then walked over to him, held out her hand, and said, "Hank, will you come stay with me at my house?  I have plenty of room, and you'll be safe and warm until we find your family."
     Hank was astounded by her wonderfully generous offer, and he could think of no where else he would rather go.  But he said, "Evangeline, you've done too much for me already.  You don't have to do this.  I was only waiting here to thank you."
     "You are coming with me, Hank.  Let's go."  She picked up his paper bag and took his hand and together they walked out into the cold night air.  She led him to her little car and helped him get buckled into the passenger seat.  As she walked to the driver's side, she glanced around the parking lot and noticed someone sitting alone in the dark interior of an ancient and beat-up-looking Ford Pinto with Alaska license plates that was parked nearby, and the person appeared to be watching them.  She could barely make out a faint orange glow as it appeared, then disappeared, followed by a stream of cigarette smoke wafting out of a window that was opened just a crack.  Evangeline shuddered, turned back to her own car, got in, and drove away.  After several attempts to start up, the Pinto finally roared to life and began a slow and smoky rumble down the road behind them.
  
(Next time:  Oh, Montana! continues as Hank begins his rehabilitation under the loving care of Evangeline, but their happiness is short-lived when a certain shady character comes back into Hank's life...)