Okay. I'm trying to stay calm here. I have forced myself to stop pacing around the living room like a lunatic, and I have decided to sit at the computer and write it all down. I'm trying to make sense of what happened, and all the usual explanations just don't work. And now I'm forced to consider the last-resort, oh-my-goodness- gracious (no!) www.coasttocoastam.com theory because it's the only one that's making sense to me! But because of this, many people are going to think I'm crazy, or, at the very least, delusional! Or just plain (unsalted) NUTS! I don't care! I have just experienced a Glitch in the Matrix, a Wrinkle in Time, a Peek Behind the Curtain, or a full-fledged jump to an Alternate Universe! Whatever you prefer. But the world is different this morning from what it was when I went to bed last night!
I'll admit it's not a really big change. In fact, some might say it's no big deal at all. I agree it's subtle, so subtle that I almost missed it. And that's just the point. These glitches, these wrinkles, these jumps are probably happening to all of us many times during our lives, and we are so oblivious to what is really going on around us that we just don't notice when it happens. But once in a while, we do notice. And it is extremely spooky when you realize it just happened to you. I can only recall two other times in my life when I can say for sure this has happened to me. The first was in 7th Grade science class when Mr. Newman, the teacher, snickered at me and announced to the class that, contrary to what I may have heard, excessive candy-eating does not cause pimple outbreaks! This was after I had just relayed to the class what my mother had told me the day before. So one day candy causes pimples. The next day it doesn't. Hello Glitch Number One!
Glitch Number Two happened about five years ago. I was listening to a Coast to Coast program about this kind of experience in relation to the topic of the Thunderbird (the big, scary bird, not the car), and an example was given in which many people swear they have seen a photograph of 1880's-type miner dudes in Arizona standing over the carcass of a full-grown Pterodactyl with a wingspan of about thirty feet after shooting it out of the sky over Tombstone. I realized I was one of the people who had seen this photograph. The only thing is, no one can find this photograph now. No one can confirm that it actually existed. It's like it never really happened. But I know I saw the picture. Many people did! I have spent hours online trying to track it down. It's gone! One day it exists. The next day it doesn't. Hello Glitch Number Two!
And now we come to Glitch Number Three. The one I discovered this morning as I was innocently reading my Sunday newspaper and sipping my H.E.B. brand Breakfast Blend coffee. I had finished the major sections of the paper and had just completed my search for Parade Magazine, you know, the one they hide amid all the advertisements just to make you mad, and I started to thumb through it. I don't usually read the cover story because it's usually about some celebrity I don't care about. Today's is no exception - a huge article about George Clooney. I have very little interest in him, and there was no way I was going to invest any time reading this story. But as I was flipping through it, I noticed a picture of George standing with his parents Nick and Nina. And I froze mid-flip! What? The overlong hairs on the back of my neck (I'm in serious need of a haircut, Natalie!) stood up and started doing cartwheels! Now, I know what you are going to say! This is no big deal! But it is a big deal! It is totally different from what I have known for a very long time! And it must mean I have (accidently) jumped to an alternate universe! George Clooney is NOT the son of "Nick and Nina"! He is the son of the famous singer Rosemary Clooney! I know he is. I know I have read this many times before! Everybody knows this. Right?
This creeped me out so badly that I jumped over to the computer and started googling. Like a bad nightmare, everything I could find claimed that George is the NEPHEW of Rosemary, not the son! What? How can this be? Yesterday he was Rosemary's son. Today he is Rosemary's nephew. No big deal? THIS IS A VERY BIG DEAL! Subtle, yet mind-blowing! This is a Glitch! This is an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE! I don't care a whit about George or his relationship to Rosemary. I do care that the universe I lived in yesterday is not the same one I am in today!
My wife could see that I was upset, and she asked me what was going on. Instead of telling her, I asked if she knew how George was related to Rosemary. She laughed and said that "everybody knows he's her nephew!" Oh, no! I stared at her for a long time. Is she the same person who was my wife yesterday? Or is she the wife I have in an alternate universe? Which is not actually an alternate universe now because I am currently experiencing it at this moment! My mind is reeling! Now I'm wondering what else is different! After a quick check of both the mirror and my bank balance, I have discovered that this is not the alternate universe where I am a good-looking multi-millionaire (dang it!). But, man! This is eerie! I'm almost afraid to check my coffee can. I might find that it is now Maxwell House or something!
Now, I know that this sounds kooky. I find it hard to believe myself! But if you agree with me, then it probably means that you made the jump during the night right along with me. And if you are one of the people who "always knew" that George is the nephew of Rosemary, then that means you are a citizen of the alternate universe to which the rest of us have just jumped. If so, I want you to know that we come in peace.
One last thought before I release this news to the world via Facebook. What might have cause this event to happen? Perhaps it was the re-entry of the weather satellite that supposedly crashed into the Northern Pacific Ocean yesterday. Or Rick Perry being trounced by Herman Cain in the Florida Straw Poll. Or the Bastrop fire. Or the endless heat. Or the drought. Or... a million other things. I don't know. I feel confused. I've been working awfully hard lately. I think I need an Ibuprofen and to lie down for awhile.
